Help the Economy: Shop American

I am going to say something bad. Try counting to 10 and thinking before you dismiss me. Try substituting curiosity instead of judgment. My bad words are: "I finally understand what it is to be American." Not only that, I know how to do my part in helping turn around America's flagging economy. Years ago I was a pilgrim abroad seeking other cultures to plant my roots. After a year of traveling I returned to my home. It's too complex to reiterate all the reasons why, but I knew I was an American and this was where I would live.

So one thing Obama has got right is that if we are going to shore up our economy, we have to buy American. I am suddenly obsessed with the idea in the most practical way.

The election night tableau of the Obama family on stage brought home how much has changed in American culture. The history-ready photograph that was seen around the world was color-coded, perfectly designed and purchased all-American. Now let's get this straight. I love my Valentino and was recently photographed for a fashion magazine in my favorite Galliano. Wearing my red Dior lambskin jacket butters my soul. (Okay, I'm a bit hyperbolic, it's only my skin.) But American is now my preference, and you will be glad to hear, it won't be St. John.

Obama didn't wear Zegna or Brioni, two European men's designers whose fabrics and cuts are as they say "to die for." He stuck with the darkest blue Chicago company Hart Schaffner Marx made and looked just swell. His red and grey striped tie color coordinated with Sasha and Maila's outfits, and Michelle's black and red was also designed by an American. I admit, on TV the dress looked awful, but after researching the dress, it was by Cuban immigrant Narciso Rodriguez, designer of the wedding dress worn by the late fashionista Carolyn Bessette Kennedy. Michelle had tossed an all-American black cardigan over the dress's curvy lines and had probably never realized that the lacey fabric didn't show well on TV. I've little doubt that she'll do better next time.

But I've gotten the message. For years I've said that Detroit had to go hybrid to compete, that windmills were for more than chasing after and that manufacturing and purchasing US made would be how our economy could grow. This country is a great pace to travel, and vacations to fit every desire can be had without leaving our states and territories.

Does this mean I will avoid the rest of the word? No. After all, we are a World Wide Web world. But I will think twice about keeping my purchase close to home. When possible, I will shop American products. I suggest you do too.

Caregiving and Sex: A Conversation

I used to say that my last book, When The Man You Love is Ill: Doing The Best for Your Partner Without Losing Yourself, wasn't really a sexy book. While it's true that Caregiving isn't usually considered a sexy subject, I do have an entire section devoted to taking care of your relationship. And one chapter, "Your Sex Life and Serious Illness," offers tons of psychological and practical tips on how to keep your sex life alive.Last week, I was traveling, appearing on media and speaking to groups on various subjects. Exhausted, I arrived for my final flight home. The airline attendant behind the center was someone I've gotten to know well. She's a lovely woman and as we chatted about my speech that morning at the Jacksonville Jewish Center and about her life, the subject of sex came up. "My husband was in a terrible car crash four months ago," Janine told me. "He almost died."I was taken aback at her news and as the airport was relatively empty, we continued to chat. He's been home recuperating and she's been the primary caregiver, mom of four young kids and trying to keep life functioning, one day at a time.I don't remember how the subject of sex came up. Maybe we were talking about the effect of his medications? Impishly, she looked at me and said, "My husband says the train is in the station, but he isn't able to board, but honey, come on over and hop on the caboose."Tired as I was, I left smiling. As I walked towards my plane, over my shoulder I said to her. "Consider that line too good not to be shared."

Thanksgiving: Maintaining Holiday Spirit While Learning from the Past

This Thanksgiving it is more important than ever to pay attention to what we have to be Thankful for. For me, it's health, family, friends the ability to pay bills and gratitude that I have the discipline to continue to exercise and eat well and think clearly. I add the latter "disciplines" as I believe that these are important factors for all of us to pay attention to in order to age positively.Amid screaming headlines such as "Market Fall Deepens as Concerns Mount on Banks" (Wall Street Journal, Nov. 21, 2008) and "Financial System Suffers Relapse" (Washington Post, Nov. 21, 2008), as well as hearing quite frequently that an additional (be my guest and name any astonishingly large figure) have been laid off at (name the company of your choice), millions in America are saying, "I can't sleep, I can't eat. I can't even breathe easily." They are obsessed with failed 401K's, looming non-retirement, job security, issues related to children's schools, health, etc. And what about sick parents, spouses and loved ones? What if you aren't sick, but are a caregiver as well? Many are having panic attacks, are depressed or are obsessively wondering where they went wrong and what to do. You may even be doing all those mentioned and more.So, during this most American of all holidays, the day set aside for family and gratitude, how do we overcome our fears and, for many, their terror about the future? We all know it's not going to get better soon. FiftyAndFurthermore.com can offer articles designed to give you practical tips to help you enjoy this holiday time. My own focus is how to help you deal with doom and gloom, if only for a day or two, and experience fulfillment and abundance. During these upcoming months, my FiftyAndFurthermore team and I will continue to give you practical information and sustainable information about how to cope with your emotional downs and ups as well as your finances. So look for our special section called Couch and Cash which will focus on your psyche as wells your pocketbook.We have much to learn from the past. Our grandparents or great-grandparents went from the high times of the 20's to the low times of the 30's. Now, we are the ones moving from the high times of the 90's and 2000's to the low times that are coming. They survived, loved, had sex, made babies and kept families together. So will we, and those of us over fifty will use our knowledge to help pave the way.This is a time to learn from nature's cycles and remember that "for everything there is a season" This is our season to remember our abundance, our love and the need to reach out to each other. This is the time for gratitude for what we have. No matter what else is going on, embrace those you love and those less fortunate than yourself. As a country, as individuals and as families, this is the time to remember that Life is too hard to do alone - Reach Out.

A Theme Worth Thinking About: Women and Peace

Last week, I was privileged to attend an event at the striking Swedish Embassy to honor PeaceXPeace founder Patricia Smith Melton's new book 60 Years, 60 Voices, celebrating the wisdom and stories of 60 Israeli and Palestinian women over 60 years. Listening to the presentation and talking to the many wonderful women (and men) I was privileged to meet, once again I was reminded of the many differences between women and men. Women are born in a word of wombs and circles. Men are born pointed and more linear. As a psychologist I have been known to say that women cooperate first, compete second. Men compete first, and then cooperate. I came away wondering what would happen if more women raised their powerful voices cooperatively in unison. What power they have. In fact, aren't women the ones who swung this last election?

Post Election Blues

There's a pall in Washington, DC these days and while it may not be as palpable throughout the land, I suspect it exists in states both red and blue. It's akin to a 22 month pregnancy. The baby is now born and the post partum depression is real bad. For many it's taken the form of staring vacantly at their favorite TV channel. What's Brit saying on FOX today, or Scarborough, Hannity and Combs, Rachel Maddow or Chris Mathews? CNN anchors? Yeah they're Ok. But they were relatively tame to begin with, so why start now? The McCain folk are trying to figure out what went wrong and how, as good Americans, to get behind Obama. The Obama folk, though elated, are mostly in a waiting game. The deed 's done. Now how do they nurse the newborn? And what kind of kid will this be any way?
For those who are planning to attend an inaugural ball, is this a fur coat fiesta? Or, in these economic times, is the stylish cloth coat just right? (Remember the Pat Nixon days? Yes, I know it's a different party, but the dilemma remains.) And what are Michelle and Jill going to wear anyway?
On the whole, though many still have bells on their toes and others are in sack cloth and ashes, most everyone is still turning on TVs, listening to radio ( sort ofthat poor dying breed) and flipping what newspapers are left and seeing nothing. My advice: Take a breath and keep going. Have no fear, the economic crunch will get worse and post inaugural evaluations are yet to come. New issues will return to pique your interest. But will it be like the passion of the past 22 months? Not likely.

Healing Our Political Divide

Whether or not one voted for Barack Obama, both sides seem to realize that his election helped make history. With Mr. Obama's election, the question of race in American society is not eliminated. However, it is a step in the right direction. The overwhelming mandate for Obama signifies many things both actual and symbolic. One of the most significant affirmations is our evolving attitude towards possibility, race and culture. In essence, though technically American, Obama's story is an immigrant's tale. He is a man of humble origins who, through the consistency of mother's and grandparents' love and his own ability, hard work and desire, has risen to America's highest office. Truly, his election is a symbol of the possibility of the American Dream.

During his concession speech, John McCain, a true American hero and a man of courage, rose to one of his finest moments. He pledged his support to the winner and by his words and demeanor urged his supporters to do the same.

The next months, probably years, will test Obama and his selected team's skills in unfathomable ways. Whatever success they have will depend not only on their ability, but also on us. This is not a time for further political divides. May we all be Americans and continue to voice our differences, diversity and support. When faced with disappointment, despair and hope, let us choose hope.

Election Day: Getting Personal about Sex and Politics

I am AARP's sexpert on the Retirement Living Television (RLTV) network show, "My Generation." My segment is called "On the Couch." and can also be viewed on aarp.org (click on "TV" at the top of the home page), on various local CNN channels, and on this website FiftyandFurthermore.com (click on "Dr. Dorree Lynn" on the home page, then click on "Dr. D Live.") I am also a psychologist with a private practice and I've been in this field for almost four decades - which means there's little about a couple' relationship and sex life that I haven't been privy to. I list some of my credentials as it's not too surprising that during this emotional Election Day, some of my thoughts turn from politics to sex. I find it striking that throughout this almost two year campaign little about the candidates' sex lives has seemed of interest. Well, that's not totally true. Of course the subject came up around Hillary and Bill. And yes, there was a bit of journalistic writing around John McCain's relationship with his first wife, Carol. But to my knowledge, there's been a paucity of media exploration about each couple's sexual relationship.
I know that many people wonder what will go on the master bedroom of the White House for the next four years. Sure there's pillow talk. But what else? Does anyone wonder if McCain uses Viagra? Or is Michelle and Barack's fist bump all they do?
I doubt that I am more prurient than most, but am simply stating the obvious. I well remember the press asking Betty Ford how often she sleeps with her husband. Bless that irrepressible and honest woman. Without missing a beat she said; "As often as I can." I can't help but wonder how our next first lady will respond to that question, be it openly asked or not.

Parents, Kids, Politics

Parent child conflict during this political season, can be especially heightened when parents and children are close. Of course, it depends at which developmental stage the child may be. Is the offspring a young adult and a first or second-time voter? Or is he or she older and has already established his/her own lifestyle?

Younger adultchildren, 18-25 or so, may be trying to rebel in acceptable terms and define their own identity. One way of doing this is to reject parental values. Moms and dads who are close to their kids often see themselves through their children's values. Thus, if a younger child votes differently than their parent, the parent may feel rejected. Or mom or dad may feel they have not instilled a good moral, ethical or political value system in their child. The results are that the parent or parents will consciously or unconsciously feel inadequate. If that is the case and they in fact do feel inadequate or as if they have failed as a parent, the parent may try to control their adult child or lash out. This takes the form of a political argument. Conversely, the new voter may be "flexing their muscle" and trying to prove how smart they are and how little their parent knows. This dynamic easily ignites into fire and friction.

If the child is older, possibly married, and has already established a life of their own, theoretically, they have established their own values with their partner. Thus, the child's primary family and commitment is no longer their family of origin, including their parent. The child's allegiances have shifted. As a result, parents may have a hard time "letting go" and again they may feel rejected, dropped and cast aside. Hurt and angry feelings ensue.

Interestingly, one of my own daughters rejected my more liberal values, and although I voted democratic in the last election, she voted republican. As a business school graduate, she was determined to prove to me that I didn't understand business. I chose not to argue with her and to respect her process. I wasn't sure if she totally believed her own arguments, or if she was individuating and trying to stand on her own two feet. I also thought she was rebelling and let her do so.

This year she is voting the same way I am, though her stated reasons are different. So, often it is a developmental process that gets enacted through the political arena. All politics are a reflection of personal and family dynamics. Voter decisions are multi-dimensional and are rarely solely issue-based.

It stands to reason that parents who are closely intertwined with their adult kids can and will battle over political persuasions. When viewed as an interpersonal dynamic,it is easy to see how the political content becomes a vehicle for deeper emotions and changing family ties. Unfortunately, mending these rifts can be a long- term process.

This particular electionhas probably brought out more passion than any since JFK. Younger individuals tend to see the issues differently than those who have lived longer. Therefore, families have eitherforged greater solidarity or stronger bonds, or their differences have sowed deep rifts. This is certainly true between parents and kids.

A Political Marriage? Why McCain Chose Palin

*This is part one of a series of blogs on candidates, politics and the role of sex. I invite my FiftyandFurthermore counterparts to react, respond, and offer their own food for thought.

In preparation for tonight's debate, I found myself contemplating some political issues from a psychological view point. Those that I offer are not the only explanations, but they have enough truth to be thought about. Many have asked me why McCain picked Palin as his running mate. I suggest that we look beyond the usual reasons proffered: she's a maverick, she's a woman, she can connect with a specific segment of the American population, etc. I believe McCains choice of Sarah was highly influenced by an unconscious reason that is not unusual for a man in his position.

McCain is getting older. He arrived at 72 as a self-defined maverick. At 71 he said, "I am too old to be called The Comeback Kid. But Come Back I have." This was one of his first overt self reflections about his age.

Check your mythology, check movies, check your neighbor, and possibly even check out yourself. It is common for an older man, often ill or afraid, to wed (and this is a political marriage) a woman years younger than himself. At this point in his life he has gained wisdom and years of experience and at the same time is in need of a dash of youthful (sexual) life force. Sarah Palin brings sexuality, sensuality and energy to the Republican presidential pairing. She arrived on the scene much as a rock star might: big splash, full of energy and with enough noise and music in the background that she really doesn't need to sustain her drum rolls for more than a few months. If she can sustain this image, and I see no reason that she can't, we never have to get to know her until she possibly becomes our next Vice President, or if McCain isn't well, President.

McCain himself is not attacking, but neither is he holding his vice president in check. She is the younger women to an older man's fantasy wish. John McCain has a history of instantly falling in love. Was his choice of Palin really so different than the way he chose his second wife? Yes, on the surface it seems so. But I invite you to dig deeper. I'm curious if those who support Sarah Palin ever wonder why they may be voting for an "Energizer Bunny" sex symbol about whom so little is known.

Next: The Sexuality of Barrack and Michelle Obama

Yom Kippur and the Concept of Forgiveness

I have found something especially meaningful in every religion I've encountered. Forgiveness may be my favorite concept from the Jewish religion. Yom Kippur, this year taking place on October 9, 2008, is this religion's most holy day. It's the Day of Atonement and forgiveness. During this time, the participant is required to regret their sin, resolve never to do it again and ask the person they have sinned against for forgiveness. On Yom Kippur, you must confess the sin and also ask Hashem for forgiveness. (In conversation, many Jewish people will call God "Hashem," which is Hebrew for "the Name.")

However, the ancient Rabbis understood that human nature is sometimes stubborn and does not always easily forgive. It is therefore customary to ask people before Yom Kippur to forgive you for anything you may have done to hurt them. If you make an honest attempt to ask the person for forgiveness, and he refuses to forgive you, you must try at least two more times. You have to wait a few days in-between requests, and they must be in three different places, in hopes that the person will cool off and change his mind. If he still refuses to forgive you, you have at least done your part.

I share with you a truly moving story of forgiveness.

October 1, 2008

Yom Kippur 5769: The Art of Forgiveness

By Jane Ulman

On the 50th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, in 1995, Eva Kor, then 61 and a real estate broker in Terre Haute, Ind., stood outside a gas chamber at the infamous camp and offered her forgiveness out loud to the late Dr. Josef Mengele for the inhumane medical experiments he had performed on her and her twin sister.

She forgave every other Nazi, as well.

"I, Eva Mozes Kor, a twin who survived as a child of Josef Mengele's experiments at Auschwitz 50 years ago, hereby give amnesty to all Nazis who participated directly or indirectly in the murder of my family and millions of others," she said that day, reading from a prepared statement. Even in our culture of apology, where "I forgive you" flows freely and often speedily from the mouths of perpetrators and politicians, parents and children, spouses and complete strangers, Kor's apology stands out.

"I call forgiveness the modern miracle medicine," she said.

Saging with Too Much Zest?

A few Friday's ago, as I was looking forward to and busily planning a weekend trip, I wound up in the George Washington University Emergency Room instead. The fact that it's a Trauma 1 center and that staff couldn't be nicer did little to ease my concerns. My doctor had already called in, so to my surprise and delight, I did not have the hours of long wait that Steph, my Executive Assistant, had prepared me for. My books went unread and there was no need for my carefully packed food.

Why did I end up in the emergency room on my Friday night, you may ask? I had had some internal lower back pain off and on for months. It wasn't muscular, and I believed it was either kidney or uterus-related. An ultrasound showed a small cyst on my right ovary, which if not malignant is concerning, but not a big deal. Still, as I was being checked by various specialists of Western and Eastern orientation, the pain continued to get worse. My doctor, telling me I'm not a complainer, urged me to go to the emergency room and get a CAT scan.

Steph sat with me until my husband flew in from hurricane territory in Florida. He managed to get on one of the few planes out of Jacksonville and arrive at my bedside looking as if could use a hospital bed for sleep. After going through the procedure, thoroughly body-scanned and diagnosed, I left that evening.

The good news is that nothing significant was discovered. The bad news is that no one knows what causes my pain. But, red-faced, I now have an idea. I've increased my exercise routine significantly these last few months, especially adding more Pilates workouts. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with this wonderful concept, Pilates focuses on core strength and requires much "C" shaped back rolling alternated by long stretching. I wonder if even though I am not aware of pain as a result of the classes, my lower back could be getting the kind of deep muscular workout that has caused it to hurt? I will ask my teacher and also request that I am watched very carefully. Hopefully, the answer can be that simple to find.

Either way, this experience is a reminder of how quickly life can change. One missed step or an errant gene, one car wreck or illness, can alter your life instantly. With humility, I once again am reminded of how tenuous life is.

Is Eighty the New Fifty?

Time Magazine makes a good argument that this is the case, at least in the business world. However, I prefer the more honest saying, "80 is the new 80." Anyone not yet there has some wonderful role models to emulate. Certainly when one looks at the accomplishments of today's businessmen, scientists and even enduring rock stars, the retirement age of 65 seems an outmoded and an inappropriate holdover from former times when life stopped sooner. Those who want to retire at 65 and need government help to do so should have it. But for those who want to keep on going, let's start thinking out of the box and not let discriminatory ageism stand in their way.There's Warren Buffett, strumming his ukulele, hosting his Woodstock for capitalists. There's the rich and irascible oil man, T Boone Pickens, trying to save the world with his own TV ads and organization. (And he's not even running for office!) There's Bruce Springsteen whose energy still makes my blood pump. Not to mention Neil Diamond, 67, Mick Jagger, 64, and Tina Turner, 68, who are still filling arenas. And 82 year-old Tony Bennet who has come back from retirement stronger than ever.
So, dear FiftyAndFurthermores, think about what you want as you sage. As many Silver Celebrities and everyday folk have shown, the future can be what you make it, at fifty OR at eighty.

It's Botox for You, Dear Bridesmaids

Beautiful weddings have always been a young woman's dream, but this seasoned soul has a different view. This summer I read a NY Times article entitled It's Botox for You, Dear Bridesmaids, regarding the trend of brides paying for their attendants to cosmetically alter their looks.I know I am of the Botox Generation, and I'm not opposed to using it, nor are many of my friends. However, I have a different slant about the new youthful craze where the bride gives Botox party treatments as her wedding gifts to her bridesmaids. It really makes me wonder about the essential values of my age-mates. Sure, you want to give something memorable to those who matter enough to you to share that special moment. And of course, beauty sells. So I can understand the allure. But for me at my age, I would hope my friends would feel wonderful enough about themselves without my "needling" them. I will take my friends any way they choose. If they want face lifts, Botox, restyling and whatever else makes them happy, that's OK with me. But should I ever get re-wed (perish the thought) at this age, I love who is in my life and how they look. They've worked hard to be how and where they are.I might give them a rest and relaxation trip or a night at the theater or just a night hanging out together with wine and champagne, reliving, crying and laughing down memory lane. But I'll happily leave the Botox to the "babes" and take my friends "au natural."

Senior Citizens Bureau and Hurricane Ike

FiftyAndFurthermore.com received a plea for help this weekend from the Senior Citizens Bureau in response to the devastating Hurricane Ike that ravaged the Gulf Coast. Hurricane Ike landed in Texas on Saturday morning and wreaked havoc across 9 states, killing 17 people and destroying many communities along its path. As rescuers, emergency response teams, and volunteers fly into the storm torn regions to offer aid, the death count is likely to continue to climb. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hurricane_Ike
The SCB is a national, Houston-based, non-profit organization that provides services and community resources for the elderly, children of the elderly, and other caregivers, advocates and professionals. SCB currently serves over 400,000 members with information and support through http://www.seniorcitizensbureau.com/ and Elder Info Line (1.877.ELDER.55/1.877.353.3755), a 24-hour hotline for SCBmembers and those with vision limitations. (SCB) (http://www.seniorcitizensbureau.com). SCB's mission is to provide easily accessible information, guidance, and dispute resolution to the senior community and industry, and to bridge the gap between the elderly client and the service provider.
FiftyAndFurthermore will do all that we can to help those impacted by Hurricane Ike and asks our readers, visitors, writers and community to do the same.
How?Contribute:FundsFood HousingClothingGlassesHearing AidsMedicationLetters and HugsJoin a rescue team Household goods
Some specific issues that are facing the FiftyAndFurthermores in the aftermath of Hurricane Ike:
Keeping the community intact after the devastation and loss of lifeStarting over againFamily disruptionEconomic lossLoss of history, family photos, etc. Medical needsLoss of property and pets
Those of us over the age of fifty are in a unique position to offer wisdom, education and hugs. For those of us who can, donate funds to the victims who will need aid in the aftermath of Ike's destruction. FiftyAndFurthermore will keep you updated as to what you can do.
One thing not to do, is to rush to the hurricane scene unless you have specific training and/or are with a select aid group such as SCB, the Red Cross, or the American Group Psychotherapy Association's Trauma Division. Organizations such as these have resources that help match your skill set and ability with the jobs that are needed (on site, or off site). It's important to help, but it's also crucial to volunteer and make a difference in the capacity where you can do the most good. Warning: helpers with good hearts but without a plan or sustaining community often wind up as "collateral damage" instead of healers.
My thoughts are with all of you during this difficult time on the Gulf Coast.
Dr. Dorree Lynn

Seven Years Later

September 11, 2001 changed our lives forever. Americans understood that they were no longer impregnable and no longer safe from the kinds of assaults that most of the world had already endured. We all became a bit more anxious, a bit more concerned, and a bit more aware of the preciousness of life. Seven years later, 9/11 continues to shape our thinking, feeling and actions. This gaping hole in our terrain stands to remind us that it can, and most probably will, happen again. When we vote on November 2nd, we will be choosing a leader to protect us from these threats. I believe that no matter who we vote for, we need to be aware that 9/11 has taught us the single most important lesson. We are no longer alone. America is in fact part of the larger world and part of the global economy. Thus, we cannot bully our way to power. As we consider voting, consider issues, not personalities. Which candidates understand this fact best? Which candidates will build a secure country with minimum chance of war? Who will have learned from the past, and will do their best in the present to keep our future alive and growing? 9/11 changed our lives forever. It is up to us today, and election day, to vote out of our convictions, courageously.

The Juno Effect in Juneau?

What Bristol Palins Pregnancy Tells Us About U.S. Society
and the New Face of the GOP

What does the movie Juno have in common with Juneau, the capital of Alaska? Governor Sarah Palin & her pregnant teen daughter. The media has been abuzz about the exciting newcomer to the 2008 presidential election, Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin who is now McCain's tough cookie, beautiful, blue collar running mate. Well now the news gets even juicier as journalists flock to the scene - Bristol Palin, her 17 year-old daughter, is five months pregnant. Governor Palin knew that her daughter was pregnant during her announcement last week that she was running for VP."

In fact, Bristol was photographed at the convention holding her little brother during her mother's speech, and newspapers around the country are now re-using the pictures of the pregnant Bristol cuddling her napping sibling. I don't know if the captured image was just a natural picture, a tender moment caught on film of the Palin family, or if the shots were set up by the McCain camp, but either way, it is pure PR genius for the conservative Republicans. Notice I am not being accusatory and implying that the pictures were necessarily "staged." I have no doubt that Bristol is a wonderful big sis, but one can't deny that the pictures have a great spin for the media who will either be eating up the images of her as a loving mom-to-be, or exposing her baby bump pictures next week on YouTube.

Rumors are flying that perhaps Sarah Palin's infant son is in fact her daughter's child. This rumor has been denied and shot down of course, but the political mudslinging is ramping up as the Republicans accuse the Democrats of starting the lie. All the world's a stage. Last season, on ABC's hit TV show Desperate Housewives, Bree Hodge (played by Marcia Cross) faked a pregnancy to cover up for her teen daughter who was unwed and pregnant. Bree wore a pregnant body suit in front of her unknowing friends and sent her young daughter away to have the child and avoid social embarrassment. This plot reminds me of the issues that were so common in the 50's and 60's before women had much of a choice.

Whether it is a blockbuster movie like Juno, Wisteria Lane, or Pennsylvania Avenue, Bristol Palin's pregnancy is just one example of a growing trend among American families. Teen pregnancy is at an all-time high in the US right now, and abortions are at a 30 year low. An amazing number of grandparents are now becoming parents all over again to their children's children. Many voters will able to relate to Sarah Palin's situation, but many others will question why the governor put her name in the hat to be nominated for VP, knowing that her daughter would be put under the microscope.

One has to wonder, if Bristol Palin wasn't using contraception, then why not? The contraception issue is quite contradictory among journalists. The Washington Post reports, "Except Sarah Palin opposes programs that teach teenagers anything about contraception. The explicit sex-ed programs will not find my support,' she said in answering a questionnaire from the conservative Eagle Forum during her 2006 gubernatorial race." But research shows that abstinence programs are failing our teens because it's nave to think that we can prevent teens from having sex, it just doesn't work.

In contradiction to this, TIME Magazine reports, "She is Christian and pro-life, but also a supporter of birth control: she's a member of Feminists For Life (FFL), an anti-abortion, pro-contraception organization. In 2002, she wrote a letter to FFL stating that she had adamantly supported [their] cause since [she] first understood, as a child, the atrocity of abortion.'"

Is Palin's daughter getting married for the sake of the child, and because she loves her partner? Or is it because Bristol feels pressured to "do the right thing" while standing in the center of America's glaring spotlight? Statistics indicate that teenage marriages have a tough time surviving, especially if they start off with an extra bundle of joy. Bristol will certainly have many obstacles to face as a young mother, even with the unconditional support and love that that her parents have promised her. I would hope that my own daughters would want to talk to me about their sexual relationships and contraception. What would I tell them to do? It would depend on many factors, such as the length of the relationships, economics and family support. As a psychologist, the one thing I know for sure is that there is no easy answer.

Diversity of Choice

Whether or not you are a Republican or Democrat, living on opposite sides of a red or blue line, if you are over fifty, you've got to be aligned on one issue. America has come a long way, baby, since our generation cast our first ballot. Whoever anticipated that the choice of Presidential contenders would come in almost as many flavors as Haagen Dazs ice cream?

With John McCain's candidacy, the Republicans have given us a home run opportunity to overcome ageism. John McCain is 72, which means that, should he win the presidency, in four years a 76 year-old man will lead our country. If he's reelected for a second term, in eight years we will be celebrating an octogenarian's birthday. In an era where 65 is still considered the age of impending senescence and a bench line for retirement, McCain stands as an example of hope and possibility for all those in their sixties and over whose companies consider them obsolete. For it's still the "young Turks" who tend to get hired instead of those with experience. The former are more often let out to pasture with minimal respect, opportunity or even the once requisite gold watch. Assuming he doesn't become ill or develop Alzheimer's, McCain's candidacy should help break ageism barriers and give age-mates like us a chance to show the world our years are to be honored and should not be taken in vain.

Who would've thought that McCain would choose Sarah Palin as his running mate? A 44 year-old mother of five, the governor of Alaska who started her career in the PTA, a woman who runs her home while still living in the limelight. The true definition of a working mom. She and her husband have always worked with their hands and are portrayed as working class people who have risen as the result of the American dream. She was just a child when the civil rights workers were being murdered in the name of integration. Forty four years later, Sarah Palin stands as a symbol of the wondrous change in America.

Then, we have Hillary. No, she didn't become our presidential candidate. But she did manage make "18 million cracks" in a glass ceiling that will continue to shatter. Hillary is 62 and her energy amazes me. Like her or not, she is a woman who has seasoned well with age. I remember hearing her speak 15 years ago, still hesitant and shrill. As with a great athlete, she has continued to train and practice and become a significantly better politician and speaker than she was in her youth. So, with Hillary we have both a female and an age-mate who exemplifies that aging can be gift to which we aspire.

And finally we have Barack. Forty years ago, I lived through the civil rights movement, marked by such incidents as Arkansas governor Orville Forbus (1955 to 1967) ordering the Arkansas National Guard to stop African American students from attending Little Rock Central High School, and the death of Michael Schwerner and others. At that time, none of us could have fathomed the emergence of a hybrid such as Obama who could have chosen to pass as white, but instead embraced his rich heritage and identified himself as an African American. In this capacity, he has given us the opportunity to vote for him as president of our country.

Though I care passionately about who wins, that is not my point. My awe is how much America has changed in the over 40 years that I've had the privilege to vote. I want my children and grandchildren to understand this sense of history. Our candidates reflect this phenomenal change. It is now possible for anyone, any age, any gender and any ethnic group to consider running for the highest office of this land. And if that is possible in the political stratosphere, just think what the rest of us are capable of. No matter one's ethnic background or age, the opportunity for advancement exists. We are developing what America set out to be: a land of opportunity, where hard work and ability matter, no matter what you look like or how old you may be, and can bring you to the brink of the presidency. What an Amazing country this is.

Have Suitcase, Will Travel or Maybe Not

Lately, I've been working hard and vacationing some. Still, I am aware that as with many of you, I need a better balanced daily life. I eat fairly well, exercise, faithfully (well pretty faithfully) attend my yoga and Pilates classes, have a great masseuse and sporadically meditate and work out with a trainer. So what's wrong with this picture?

When I was younger I had the opportunity to spend time in quiet spiritual retreats spanning a variety of eastern and western leanings. I have an insatiable travel gene and at times in my life I would have said "have suitcase packed, will travel." But, new needs are emerging. Is my priority to get on a plane to a distant land not yet visited or would a spa or even a retreat - perhaps a Zen retreat for 10 days of silence - be preferable? As I sage, these competing desires continue to call. Long ago I accepted that my own character was fairly intense. Perhaps it's genetic, environmental, familial, who knows? I've reached the s(t)age where I am less interested in explanations than living well within my own skin.

So, I invite you to journey with me as I sort out my variation of the same issues so many FiftyandFurthermores have. Yes, I loved my recent visit to Argentina and Buenos Aires, and there are so many places to see, but perhaps staying still watching the water from my own home might serve me better? Whatever path one takes at any given time is a prelude to next steps. Join me as I take mine, one slow step at a time.

Every Year is a Gift

My birthday was August 2nd. Usually I love birthdays and enjoy marking them for others, as well as myself. This one, though, seemed neither here nor there. 67 wasn't a biggie, on the way to 70, and how did I get here anyway? I didn't sleep well several nights prior to the big day. Dreams, thoughts and concerns wafted through my active unconscious, letting me know I was not at ease. Although I am excited by life-affirming possibilities, my very human worries surfaced. Did I need to revisit my will? Was my family OK? Would my own health checkups return good reports? Was I doing enough for others? Too much? Would the new book that I'm writing continue to flow? My husband needs a new car. Should I bug him to buy the hybrid that I thought wise for both us and for the environment? Or should I encourage him to purchase the gas guzzler that I knew he wanted? Who would win the election?

Large and small concerns ebbed and flowed into one another - all, I'm sure, part of an underlying scream that emerged as death's door opened just that much wider. The big day came and unexpected calls, emails, cards and yes, gifts arrived. Although still in my "this is not a big deal birthday mode," I appreciated acknowledgments, well wishes and the friendship and love that came my way. But, deep down, I wasn't my usual celebratory self. Until

My husband and I went out for the quiet dinner we had planned. We happen to have a wine locker at several restaurants including The Capital Grill in Jacksonville. Last week they called and invited us to have dinner there on my birthday. That's not uncommon for a restaurant to do when one is a frequent patron. I thought nothing of it. NOTHING! It seemed as good as anything we might do except maybe staying home relaxing on our porch and enjoying the view.

Then they didn't have our usual promised table. I shrugged. So what? And as I was gently guided into a lovely special room, brain dead and totally without a clue, Happy Birthday wishes engulfed me sung by many of my Florida friends. I, who am rarely speechless, was. Tears came. This was the first surprise party of my life. I looked questioningly at my husband still implying "but this particular birthday is no big deal." Lovingly he looked at me. "Hon, henceforth, every day is a celebration. Every day we look in the mirror and see ourselves is special and every year is a gift."

Amen.

Pets Can Save Lives for FiftyAndFurthermores

Yesterday, Marjorie, who is 68 and one of my assistants, came to work sharing a remarkable story. She lives in the country surrounded by land and fresh air. However, she is also isolated from close neighbors. Three years ago she had taken in a stray cat. She named him Morris and they were good companions. Marjorie lives alone near her children and grandchildren and likes where she lives. She is a healthy, active and savvy lady who knows how to take care of herself. Half asleep she noticed that Morris seemed restless. Thinking nothing of it, she turned over to go to sleep. Morris jumped on her bed. Surprised and sensing something amiss she got up. Everything seemed normal and quiet. Back to bed she went. Again, Morris seemed unsettled. Again she got up. She heard nothing but looked out the window anyway and thought she saw a shadow moving, but again thought nothing of it. Morris paced again. Suddenly she heard a window crash. Someone was trying to break in. She screamed, called her daughter who lives nearby and dialed the police. The intruder ran and Marjorie, except for shaking from a bad scare and an extra dose of vulnerability was fine. The would-be intruder wasn't caught and she came to work having escaped a close call. Morris had saved her.

Now, we are all relatively familiar with the fact that dogs are known to protect their loved owners. But cats are generally considered to be less protective. Evidently cats too have territorial instincts. At least Morris does. We talked about the current literature that confirms that pets help keep older people alive. They offer companionship and structure as their needs must be met. Larger dogs also require walking which helps provide exercise to their owners. But a cat that saves lives, that is a bit unusual. I found myself wondering if I should make stronger recommendations to my FiftyAndFurthermore clients who live alone to become pet owners.

As my now grown children have left home, so have our pets, all passing from old age. My kids have wanted me to have new ones. My grown children worry about me and are well-aware of the benefits of pets for seniors. Because I travel as much as I do, I have chosen to remain animal-free. But perhaps this is not the best decision after all?

As our society becomes more isolated, pets have gained prominence. I do miss our last two residents dearly (Mr. Lucy, our final cat, and Bibi, our dog). But perhaps it's more than simply companionship and I'm in a bit of denial? What if it's more important to realize that having a smart four legged companion really could save my life?

The John Edwards Affair - A Couples Issue

Extra marital affairs in American society are far more common than any of us like to admit. Some surveys have found that as many as 40% of married women and 60% of married men engage in extramarital affairs. The fact that John Edwards had an affair is not of particular interest to me. As a psychologist, I live in a world of secrets. And yes, even people's outright lies. Lack of authenticity is often fodder for an individual's pain. Helping couples mend or dissolve damaged marriages is much of what I do on a daily basis. Thus, for me, the most cogent issue is not what the affair says about this public man, but what it says about this public couple. The Edwards jointly chose to have John run for America's highest office. In this day and age of political paparazzi, the fact that neither of them considered that information about their relationship and their affair would become public knowledge well, that's representative of the couple's dynamics.

The Edwards have endured a very public ordeal surrounding the death of their son and Elizabeth's battle with incurable cancer. I believe that, in many ways, their 31-year marriage is based on old fashioned Southern values. These marriages are stereotypically filled with denial and the ability to look the other way when confronted with unwelcome facts. Often these marriages also take pride in having super human strength in the face of adversity. Living with no matter what can be an attempt to gain admiration. It can also be a defense against standing still and experiencing pain on a deeper level. In this case, given their endless public pursuit of "carrying on," I am left wondering if their marriage might be primarily reflect the latter.

I neither condone nor condemn the affair. However, I do make a strong argument for couples and families in trouble seeking therapy. I am not privy to whether or not the Edwards ever sought professional help. However, in my view, it would be wise for any family who has been through the death of a child to seek counseling. I also believe that the structure of almost all long term marriages is subject to change and, at various points, marriages need to be renegotiated. Clearly, as loving a couple as the Edwards may be, they are both responsible and have colluded, not necessarily in the affair, but in their willingness to jointly open their lives to the public scrutiny while at the same time knowingly acting in ways that undermine their credibility.

I honor Elizabeth Edwards' request that helicopters stop flying over their home. However, one cannot intentionally seek public office without anticipating that dirty linen will emerge. From a psychologist's perspective, I wonder if their mutual pain was so deep that the only way they could confront it was to risk a public viewing. By subconsciously inviting the public into their most private life, they must confront dark corners in their own lives as well as in their marriage, although one has to wonder what would possess a couple to do so in the harsh glare of the public eye?

I believe that in order to have an intimate, growing marriage, most couples have to confront unwanted issues at some point in their relationship. In that way the Edwards are no exception only their issues are more obvious than many.

Mad Men Is Not The Sopranos For Me

Well, after fighting it, and ignoring the show for one entire year, I followed the hype and settled down determined to become a fan of AMC's Mad Men. I liked it well enough and the tales were familiar to me. After all, it's an era I know. But mostly, I was slightly bored.

I think that although I related to the both the times and the characters, my own life has developed into so many new spins, that I became a bit restless with what had been. No, it wasn't painful to watch the past. It was simply long distant for me to much care. However, I wished my grown kids could see it (I'm doubtful that they would sit through the program) to understand an era they don't truly comprehend. They have no way of understanding the life their parents lived and the freedom of choice the current generation has as a result of the emancipation from those years. I'm slightly disappointed, but not so much that I won't try again. Who knows, the slow pace may manage to lure me in. So far, HBO's interaction and psychology programs remain my favorites (The Sopranos, Tell Me You Love Me, and In Treatment). For my personality, they hit a bull's eye.

Tomorrow Begins A New Today

I had a lousy couple of weeks before and after I got away for a vacation in Argentina where I had a blast (see my blog Too Old To Tango? Think Again ). The before and after part included computer glitches (hard for someone who pours herself into a website), staff and family illness, as well as loss of key staff members. I was reminded of some of those long-ago days when I was a multi-tasking, sometimes overwhelmed single working Mom. Wisdom, luxury and help be damned. Clawing through "administrivia," negotiating contracts, caring about staff under duress and taking care of ill family members is never easy - even though I sometimes forgot it can happen again and again.



Life can be slippery and bumpy at any stage or age. At this age, sleep beckoned and was needed more than in my youth. To put it mildly, it's been one helluva not fun time. However, I look around at the wonderful summer fresh air, watch my tiny herb garden grow, and go to yoga to breathe, relax and help get the kinks out of my body. I remember some of the good parts of having perspective as a result of living long enough to go through the downs and ups. I can begin to see light at the end of the tunnel and tonight I go to sleep remembering: Tomorrow Begins A New Today.



Oh, and in a few weeks, I plan to take some quiet healing spiritual time in a Zen monastery. Dear fellow FiftyandFurthermores, what a gift Saging has given me - to feel free enough to live at both ends of the spectrum. This summer I will have vacationed in the city some call the Paris of the Western Hemisphere, as well as quietly soaked up the tranquility of the East. I haven't enjoyed the chaos surrounding these vastly different vacations, but I am grateful to have the opportunity to reward myself for a job well done.

Gloucester Pregnancy Pact

This past June the media was buzzing about the Gloucester, Massachusetts, high school girls who may (or may not have) made a pact to become pregnant together. Seventeen girls in total are pregnant, more than quadruple the typical number of pregnancies in a class per year. Some are blaming movies like Juno and Knocked Up for their portrayal of young unmarried mothers. Personally, I loved Juno because it was such a real life, down to earth, yet sweet movie about the things in life that we can't predict.

School officials in Gloucester are wavering from their original statements that the young girls made a pact to raise their children together. Some people are wondering if it's because this particular town has absentee parents that don't chaperone their sons' and daughters' all-night adventures. The small fishing town has been through a rough patch lately due to unemployment and economic hard times. Some residents and media are saying that these kids are not well-loved enough and are on their own' so often that they are looking to have babies for someone to love them back.' Others are claiming that in this Catholic town, perhaps the rates of pregnancy are not increasing, but rather the rates of abortion are decreasing as pregnant girls are receiving more and more support for having their babies. Gloucester High School offers on-site day care and a supportive school environment that allows the girls to be mothers and also get their high school diploma at the same time. The school hallways are flooded with students shuffling along with pom-poms, sports equipment, backpacks, and baby carriages. Or is this something that could happen anywhere in the Age of Nicole Richie, Brittney Spears, and even Brittney's 17-year-old sister Jamie Lynn? Maybe it has more to do with Realty TV and People Magazine messages than one town's struggles?

No matter what the cause of this supposed pregnancy pact, teen pregnancy is nothing new. In my day, girls were sent away to have their baby in private facilities. Grandma raised the baby as their own, only to release the secret years later to the family (or have the secret stumbled upon). Back alley, hanger-induced abortions were more common because safe medical care was often not an option. Doctors that dared to participate often went to jail. For young teenage mothers who had their babies and were public about it, well, many of them did the right thing and wed the guy, whether he was a one-nighter or a significant relationship. My generation knows all too well how poorly many of these marriages worked out.



Times change. But as the saying goes, what goes around comes around. Many grandparents are once again becoming new parents as they raise their children's children. If you have the energy, resources and inclination for this, great. But how many of us really would choose this when we've already raised our brood? Besides, many of the grandparents I know are busy with their own lives and also have the responsibility of monitoring their own or a significant other's illness.

Do I really want to deal with peanut allergies, complicated car seats, soy milk, in-car DVD's, X-Boxes, and piles and piles of plastic toys on a daily basis? Not me. I love being a grandma who has gotten to spoil my grandchildren rotten by taking them traveling, to ball games and especially doing something my wonderful kids would never do like let them stay up past bedtime playing poker. I'd much rather be a support staff grandma than a primary caretaker. How much easier to wonder about the Gloucester girls than to stay up past my bedtime fretting about what my own teenager might be doing. Been there, done that.

How many of you are, or know, a grandparent who is raising their grandchildren? What do you think about the Gloucester pregnancy pact? Sound off with your comments.

Too Old To Tango? Think Again

After my recent trip to Buenos Aires, I truly believe that if we are willing to risk a little, summon up our courage, and with a little spunk, FiftyAndFurthermores can do just about anything. My husband and I walked and walked this stunningly cosmopolitan and beautiful city. Of course we visited several of the mandatory tourist attractions. One of the "must sees" was our visit to the Carlos Gardel Tango show.

http://www.esquinacarlosgardel.com.ar/cg/index_eng.htm

Touristy, yes; but even as kitschy as the show may be, the dancers' grace is fantastic. My husband and I even decided to go the whole hog and sprang to have our pictures taken with the dancers. (Even though we felt a little silly, the picture is pretty cool.)

The image of the straight backed señors and the señoritas with sensual hips that moved at will, with gracefully curved backs that could lithely touch the floor; it was a seductive elixir. For a moment, I felt envious and wanted to look like that too. So my husband and I planned a dancing lesson of our own at a well known studio. Life intervened in the form of a sick stomach, so we didn't make it to our dance lessons this time. But between the vibrancy of Buenos Aires and the fabulous leather clothes, I just may have to return to obtain a pair of my very own hand made tango shoes and dance my way through my very own version of OZ. Robert Duvall*, here we come.

*Assassination Tango is a 2002 movie directed by and starring Robert Duvall, a crime thriller based on the Argentine tango.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assassination_Tango

Source: Wikipedia, a quote from the rottentomatoes synopsis:

For Duvall, the making of Assassination Tango is the culmination of a long-held dream, combining two worlds he loves so much. In the tango, Duvall finds an amalgam of contradictions, which is what makes it so appealing and also parallels his character in the film. "Tango is sweetness. Some people call it sensual. Some call it sexual. Others would disagree because a mother can tango with her son, a father with his daughter. It's a very personal kind of thrust and a world that's very special."

Sex Is What You Make Of It

For those of us over 50, our world is often filled with prudes and prurient. Everyone knows sex sells, at any age. Whether or not you are having it. Whether or not you are for or against it. Whether or not it's heterosexual or same sex, it's of interest to all. However, sex changes with added years. Once over fifty, our bodies are like a well worn car. We may get a great new paint jobs, but still some of our parts may get rusty and don't quite work the way they once did. And we often need repairs and/or external and internal overhauls. These changes impact our sex lives. Though desire remains our best aphrodisiac, there is no shame or blame in letting science help where nature may have left off.

Menopause used to be relatively irrelevant, because people didn't live productively (and sexually) for another thirty, forty or even fifty years as we now do. Thus, if their libido, or (sex drive) drooped and dropped, it didn't' really matter. Now with the implications of a potential "pink pill eventfully on the market (Viagra for women) the fact that many women are interested in continuing their sex life is out in the open. However, women need to be responsible and do their research. As I have mentioned in prior articles, staying healthy and sexually active requires taking responsibility and getting educated. You really need to know what is available, and the risk benefit ratio of every product. You know your body better than anyone else. Pay attention to it.

Men too are impacted. Many men find their erections aren't as firm or frequent or last as long as they once did. This is normal. Talk to your doctor to check out your physical health. Don't be afraid to use prescription aids available. But, do remember truth in advertising. TV and print ads tend to race through and fudge the small print. Not all prescriptions work for all people all the time. Many have side effects or aren't appropriate in specific conditions or are counter indicated with other medications. So, don't be ashamed to ask questions or acknowledge the specific prescription or over the counter aid you are trying.

Remember Jack Nicholson as aging playboy Harry Sanborn in the delightful movie, Something's Gotta Give? (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0337741). He takes Viagra which can kill you when mixed with nitroglycerin. He has chest pains and is in the in emergency room when he is asked if he's taken Viagra. He lies and when told by medical practitioner, "good", then they can give him the needed nitroglycerin, Harry, leaps off the table, embarrassed. Everyone over 50 in the audience I was in laughed because it hit home. Denial runs rampant when we seek additional help for our sexual lives. My advice, don't drop out. Tune in and tune up and use what is available to keep intimacy and joy alive.

1. Go back to basics… create a romantic atmosphere, and view sexy movies together. Not alone and not solo porn. I mean together, like the old days.

2. Spice is Nice. Break your routine. Do something fun. Use sex toys if that's your thing. Whatever floats your boat between two consenting adults is OK.

3. Exercise for your mind and body… including exercising some internal organs such as kegels for both women and men.

4. Always check with your health professional to make sure your external and internal chassis is in good shape.

5. Don't run on empty, take care of yourself and have fun.

My Own Sex And The City Experience

I recently experienced Sex and the City in my own little steaming hot spot. In a steam room of all places, five women ages 38-44 entered. They asked if I minded if they "man bashed." I said No, as long as I could comment. Their tales were all too familiar and common in a city like DC: The married guy who was staying with his wife for the sake of the children; the never-married guy with money, charm and good manners, but who didn't want to be committed; the "I love you, but I have to travel tons, and I may be moving" guy; the guy who says "I think you are a great catch but I'm already in love with someone else (though I am still playing the field);" the attractive twice-divorced brunette who has become a runaway bride with two broken engagements just before the wedding. You get the picture. These are all accomplished and lovely, attractive women. They are lonely and their self esteem is down the toilet. They claim there are no decent single men, but they haven’t looked outside their own safety zone. Sound familiar? Ladies, get your rear into good therapy. Learn about yourselves and your own patterns. Date someone who is willing to work on a relationship and learn what it takes.

I know your bed can get cold. I know it can get lonely at times. But ladies, you deserve more than a great roll in the hay (though I know that's fun). And your guys, they deserve more as well. Help them know what they need to do. You will both be better for it. The sex part is easy; the relationship part is not.

I left that steam room thankful I was no longer young. When it comes to relationships, Saging seems well worthwhile.

Finally! Science Secures Continued Savoring Of One Of My Sins!

New Hints that Red Wine May Slow Aging:

http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1P2-2185173.html
http://www.nutritionj.com/content/6/1/27

Oh joy, oh joy. This study makes me happy. I eat well, rarely to excess, eat almost no meat, and an alcoholic drink barely passes my lips, but I love my red (and white) wine. Now, it seems, I can imbibe to my heart's content, in moderation of course, purely medicinally to stay alive. Maybe the ancient Jews and Christians knew what they were doing when they added wine to their religious rituals. Seems all the antioxidants and other good stuff contained in red wine appear to prolong youth and fend off aging. This doubles my determination not to quit the stuff. I always knew it was medicinal of the best kind. So glad science is giving me additional permission to stay on something I already enjoy. Sometimes the body seems to know how to care for itself.

The ancients were wise. Viva wine now and when I am one hundred and ten!

50 Plus Single, Savvy, S-age Seeking Love

I spend many hours a week listening to single people struggling to find someone to love and be loved by. Often, they have been married, widowed or divorced, or some have never been in a long term committed relationship. Whether they are bitter, afraid or simply don't know how to date, learning to maneuver today's dating scene always takes some education and effort.

Perhaps the biggest hurdle is that most people don't realize that just about everyone they meet has some of the same insecurities they do and that no one has an Olympic gold medal in the brave greet and meet "meat market." This is a particularly challenging concept to women who tend to believe that men have it easy and can have anyone they want. While it is true that in our society dating is often easier for men than for women, it is not true that most men don't have their hang ups as well. Yes, because of the fact that there are more over 50 single women than men; men do have a numbers advantage leading to greater selection. However, numbers don't mean everything. By the time the sexes have reached the half century mark, women often are the more knowledgeable about what makes a relationship work.

The trick is simply to get out of the safety zone of your home or work environment and go about doing activities that you enjoy. Getting involved with others around mutual interests pretty much guarantees that you might have a good time. You may or may not meet the prince or princess of your dreams, but you will be out of your comfort zone, you will be networking and you might even have a good time. Be it a museum, golf lesson, movie group, hiking or cycling club; whatever turns you on, as the Nike ad says: "Just Do It!" Another important point to remember is that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, especially your own. Smooth or wrinkled skin, model thin or a few extra pounds. So what? There something for everyone. I remember one client, age 50 who lost about 100 pounds which still left her weighing around a hefty 250. She met a lovely military man whose comment was "thank goodness there's something to hold on to. I'm glad you have some curves to you." She married him and last I heard they remained deeply in love.

My message: Get out. Go out. Sexy is inside of you. Do what you love to do with joy. It will be infectious and who else knows where that joy may lead?

Erectile Dysfunction After Prostate Surgery

I was on the Jim Bohannon show last month talking about saging, life, sex and other issues that have to do with our exciting website www.fiftyandfurthermore.com. A brave caller asked the following question. "I am in my mid fifties, had prostate cancer and no longer perform or function as a man Dr. Lynn. What do I do?"

There are many remedies to penile or sexual dysfunction as a result of prostate surgery. I chose not to go into all the possibilities and complications in the 3 minutes allotted me. And simply, sounding a bit cavalier said "so what?" Meaning you are still human and capable of connection, and relationships, there is still a place for you. The man seemed relieved.

It's easy to understand how part of one's identity seems diminished when you can no longer perform as you once did. Regaining self confidence and feeling like a stud (if he ever was one) becomes a major issue. I hope this guy talks to his friends, joins a support group, and/or enters short time therapy and get some help before he risks becoming a recluse. He's got plenty of issues to fiddle with, that's for sure. My wish is that he gets help remembering that he has an identity that is the sum of more than his dick. With perseverance, patience and loving connections, he will be able to find a fulfilling life. Is it easy… "No." But, is it possible… "Yes." I've seen it happen, therefore I know it is possible.

Sex and the City vs. the Golden Girls

Is it unconscious envy or have I really grown into a different mindset? With all the Sex and the City movie hype, I find myself longing for something more age appropriate such as The Golden Girls. No, I never was a Golden Girls fan, but at this point neither am I A Sex and the City Wannabe. I have begun to find Carrie's self exploration, reminiscent of my daughters self absorptions before they grew up and settled down. I want to dump the lot of them in therapy and say, "Hey, grow up and stop trying to sex your way through life. Sex is easy; it's learning how to have a relationship that takes work. Get thee into decent therapy and let your hunger get filled. Learn the difference between activity and productivity. Stay still and breathe."
 
Yes, I love bonding between women. And yes, they watch each other's backs. And yes, they are a team. But at my age, do I really want to watch my kids and friends antics all over again? I've risen too many and listened to too many of their age try to grow up. (I admit I still try to help a few S&TC type women and men here and there.)
 
And the fashions? Admittedly, I own several pairs of Manolos. But, blessedly, my life is about far more than shoes. I proudly come from a generation that wore what they wished, which might even have been nothing (if you went to Woodstock and/or were part of the Woodstock nation). And Carrie's red carpet hat-thing perched on her head seemed like a contrived reaching for individuality that neither she nor anyone else needs to spend a fortune on to declare their identity. You can be who you are and wear what you want, and it might even look good instead of silly.
 
OK, tell me I've become an old fuddy duddy and I no longer understand. I really don't think so. I'm happy to applaud the TV series, the movie and all the profits everyone involved will reap. But, truth is told ladies, "It just ain't that new". Anyone my age has seen it beforeand perhaps even been part of their version of sex, (After all, we are the generation that changed everyone's future because the FDA approved birth control for us.)
 
So I am glad Carrie, Miranda and friends are out there for the new generation. But for me, watching their antics makes me happy I'm not young again. Nowadays, a little depth goes a long way. Or as the saying goes: "a little dab will do ya") That's about as much as I can take.
 
Youngsters enjoy. And maybe you too will one day live a few quiet cell free moments and walk in comfortable shoes and feel you look beautiful, just because you are. And men will flock to you, because that's what men do. And you will sit back and choose the one you want with a bit of a flutter and care. Will I see the movie? Maybe? But, with all the wonderful Indie films out there, it certainly isn't my first choice.

Sex is Still Around - Only Different

America is both a puritanical and prurient society. We shout family values, but the definition of family now extends to include two people of the same sex, chosen children, blended and extended relatives, and less and less of the once prevalent concept of Mom, Dad, 2.5 kids and Leave It To Beaver white picket fence bonds.

Sex sells and no matter what family value we promote, we are surrounded by this reality at every turn. Open any magazine, tune into most TV channels, watch any sport, even attend cultural high brow events such as the Opera, and you will find ads geared to get us in the crotch blasted from every angle.

The generation who witnessed the sudden availability of birth control, who "f—ked for peace," who lay down in streets against war and shouted "Never Trust Anyone Over Thirty" - are all over fifty and furthermore. We have become the age that we railed against.
We who once thought we had discovered Estrogen Avenue and Testosterone Boulevard are now not only over thirty but pushing fifty, sixty and more. And we find we still want to "do it." Only most of us find it simply isn't the same.

What has changed? For many of us, sex may be slower, less satisfying - or better than ever. But one thing is for sure; it certainly is different. My advice to my peers: Don't rush to your local MD (many of whom once were the purveyors of illegal drugs and have now become the doctors, respected prescribers of legal ones). Instead do something more complex but possibly longer-lasting. Change your attitude. Use your brain - it remains your most important sexual organ. Stop comparing yourself to what you once were and enjoy yourself as you are now. Remember, too, the largest sexual "organ" is your skin. Sex remains. But for most of us (blessedly), it is different than when we were mindlessly young.

Join Us! You Belong Here

For a healthy Mind, Body and Spirit, join myself and our experts on Fifty and Furthermore.

Two-thirds of all office visits to family physicians are due to stress-related symptoms (American Academy of Family Physicians). Stress is the body's attempt to cope with too many stimuli coming at once. Your immune system gets compromised, you get hyper or exhausted, eat too much or too little and become an exercise fanatic or a coach potato. Some of the answers you seek can be found here at www.FiftyandFurthermore.com. Read our sections about how different people have coped with the same issues that you have. Susan Brandenburg, for example, changed careers, Karen Fawcett moved, John Crawford tells us about how to handle financial stress and Marilyn Bagel simply takes the bus.  And I always have something to say about relationships, intimacy, sex or even at times wander to other areas such as meds and articles about people who have had to take an unexpected plan "B" in their lives. 

We all learn from one another. Read our articles. Check out our Writers' Guidelines and tell us a tale that you think belongs. Offer your tips about food, yoga, Pilates, golf and other stress reducers. Read our reviews. We'll tell you where to eat, where to relax, where to travel or simply where to have some fun. Join us. We're out to help all of those Fifty And Furthermore live life with zest. This is your over 50 location for the smart, savvy, sexy luxury set. Find us, keep us, and use us.

You belong here...

Welcome Home, Now Please Leave: Boomerang Generation (Redux)

College graduation used to mean applauding your kid's accomplishments, then remaining available on the phone for their lows and highs as they job hunted for their future career. Nowadays, in our current economy, the scenario is just as likely to be; "Hey Dad, Mom or both, I wanna' come home." With the joy of seeing your offspring again and the vision of no longer paying college tuition, you gladly respond, "How long?" Your returning loved one, now part of the Boomerang Generation, may well say, "a few weeks, the summer or I don't know." What's a loving parent to do? Of course you want to see and help your conflicted fledgling adult. And of course you want to give him or her hugs. But, the reality of dirty laundry in their room or possibly all over the house again, or a twenty something partying into the night and sleeping half the day, or wondering why they haven't found a job yet irks you. "No, I am not going to pay for graduate school," you may think or say. "And whatever happened to the idea of lining up a job or even summer travel or something to do before graduation?" Yes, you tried talking to your darling for months. And, (s)he convincingly told you about how hard it was studying for exams, finishing all the work they had to do first, and adjusting to the significant other that was no longer around. And by the way, dear parent, will you pay for my car to be shipped home - and what about the cat(s) or dog(s) I've acquire along the way?

As a psychologist, I find my empathy equally divided between today's befuddled (often feeling entitled) youth and comparably torn parents who tried to give their children so much of what they didn't have growing up, all the while attempting to instill "good" values. There's no winner here. Parents, whether in nuclear or blended families, are torn between opening their arms to their returning nester and once again wanting to kick them out. And if in doubt, after a few weeks, the feelings on both parents' and new college graduate often are: Welcome Home, Now Please Leave.

I Think I Can

Several months ago, three of the eternally young names in music - Michael Jackson, Madonna and Prince - hit 50. Mick Jagger is now 65, the once accepted age of retirement. And Tony Bennett is 82. Decades ago the word wondered how these talents were going to keep their prestigious and high paying jobs. But, they have endured. As long as they have age mates and new devotees and audiences keep coming, they will keep singing. Personally, I’m glad. When I wonder if I too should keep going, I look around me at people like these who are still going strong. Heck, we even have a once counted as down and out 72 year old running for president. It reminds me of one of my generation’s favorite books. The Little Engine That Could. By Watty Piper and I chug along saying: “I think I can. I think I can, I think I can.”

Technology and Caregiving

I was delighted to read the following press release from AARP. It stands as confirmation for one of the reasons I started FiftyandFurthermore. I've known for a long time that we Boomers and Pioneers were a lot wiser than we were being given credit for. I saw it in my psychotherapy practice and I saw it in my friends. We didn't need studies to tell us what was happening; we were living it. But others not in our age group have been harder to convince. Thus, I applaud AARP (www.AARP.org) for commissioning and publishing this well-needed research by the American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging (www.aahsa.org), and I breathe a sigh of relief that I no longer feel so alone. We FiftyandFurthermores may not have been born with technology, but we sure have the smarts to use what will help us. I was especially gratified since my book on caregiving (When The Man You Love Is Ill: Doing Your Best For Your Partner Without Losing Yourself) specifically addresses the benefits of modern technology for caregivers and those who, because of illness, must spend much of their time at home. How encouraging to know that AARP agrees with me and with FiftyandFurthermore readers.

Read the full press release here: Older People Want to Use Technology to Help Them Remain at Home

Excerpts from the press release:

Older adults want to use technology so they can age safely in their home. Family caregivers agree believing technology can ease some of the challenges of caregiving. Concerns such as cost to install and maintain equipment remain barriers for people 65-plus and for caregivers. These are the conclusions of two new reports, one from AARP and the other from the Center for Aging Services Technologies (CAST) of the American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging (AAHSA).

The AARP Foundation commissioned this report which examined the attitudes of people 65-plus and caregivers towards technology and found that both groups are concerned about costs. The study identified a willingness to try technology like home security services, sensors to detect falls and devices to regulate temperature, lights and appliances. But cost remains a factor with seventy-five percent of caregivers and eighty percent of those 65-plus willing to pay $50.00 or less per month for the service.

"The ground is fertile for the use of caregiving technology to flourish," said Elinor Ginzler, AARP Sr. Vice President for Livable Communities. "Almost nine in ten older Americans want to be able to stay in their own homes and they are willing to use technology that can help them do that. Cost, however, is the elephant in the room-how to pay remains a big obstacle."

There is also a conflicting perspective between caregivers and those likely to need care. People 65-plus report a high willingness to use technology, but more than eight in ten caregivers believe they would have some, or a great deal of difficulty convincing those they care for to adopt technology. Large majorities of both caregivers and potential care recipients believe technology would make them feel safer, give them more personal peace of mind and provide peace of mind for families and friends.

The CAST study lays out the categories of technologies that exist to ease the burden of caregiving for informal and paid caregivers. These include:

* Sensors can detect and notify a caregiver if a person being cared for does not get out of his chair or turn off the stove.

* Health technologies can monitor blood pressure, respiration and other conditions in real time while the person is at home, reducing the need for doctor's visits and notifying caregivers immediately of significant changes.

* Medication dispensers provide the appropriate medicines at the appropriate time and remind a person being cared for to take them.

* Computer games provide social networking, brain stimulation and even monitoring of cognitive abilities through the use of diagnostic games.

The study also includes interviews with expert researchers, who concluded that factors ranging from interconnectivity between different systems to usability, affordability and the availability of technical support and training will determine how widespread aging services technologies can become.

"Our study shows that we can create a network of technology-driven services to help elders stay at home and achieve better outcomes," said Majd Alwan, PhD, director of CAST. "Technology can help create a new paradigm for caring for elders, and consumers should be as aware of these options as they are aware of their cell phone plans or cable television offerings."

Research commissioned and funded by Blue Shield of California Foundation to the AARP Foundation and the Center for Aging Services Technologies (CAST) of the American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging.

For more information on Healthy @ Home visit: http://www.aarp.org/research/housing-mobility/indliving/healthy_home.html.

For more information on the CAST study visit: www.agingtech.org.

Post Mother's Day Reality

OK. So Mother's Day has come and gone and I'm still a mom.

Of course I love and adore my children and grand children, but in truth, I admit to moments of annoyance and wonder doesn't mothering ever stop? Here I am in my sixties, my kids grown and supposedly on their own, except one really isn't. I understand where she is in her life and why. I respect her growing pains and determination to develop her own life. However, this daughter still needs me. And, although I am there for her in the ways I find appropriate and supportive, I am not present for her in the ways she thinks I should or wants me to be. I am concerned for her. She is far from home and although she misses home terribly, she has decided to plant her roots elsewhere.

It's part of the challenge that many twenty something's go through as they separate from Mom (and Dad). They push away with one hand and pull with the other. This one wants financial independence, but deep down expects Mom to help out in ways that make sense to her, but not to me. Of course I want to be there for her and am. At the same time the word "No" comes out of my mouth more often than I wish.

My other children either have never been this way or have already grown past this independence struggle. Or, maybe I'm just that much older where I more easily tire of not having her fully grown? In the long run I know she is going through the developmental process of growing from one stage to another and that we will both come out the other side. But, while yesterday was a special day where I was feted and honored, I am ready for some consistent old fashioned respect. In Japan they have an Honor Your Elder's Day and the entire country closes down. I'm ready to have an honor your Mom's day every day. Yesterday was lovely. Today real life returns. No one ever told me mothering never stops.

Mother’s Day Reflections

For most of us Mother's Day is a joyous time. I usually find myself thinking about and missing my own long-deceased mother. My kids and grandkids also use the day to honor me. But today, as I think of our political climate and the race for the presidency, I found myself thinking about an article that I wrote five years ago. I think it says as much about my core experience of being a mother as any celebration our family has ever had. I hope it touches you as well.

AN AMERICAN TRAGEDY

One of my children is a daughter adopted 22 years ago from a little known orphanage in Pune, India. She joined our family at six weeks and became a US citizen before she could speak. Her pre-adoption history – as is so many other adopted children's - is a maze of facts and fabrications and we will never be able to weave together the complete truth about her origins. Her identity is the one formed as she grew up as part of our American family. She walks and talks with an all-American athletic flair. In high school, one of her most memorable moments was to crew at the challenging Head of the Charles - a most all-American event. During summer vacations, she earned spending money working as a lifeguard, teacher's aide, administrative assistant and a salesperson at a local boutique. We taught her the American work ethic that with hard work and perseverance, she had a good chance of achieving her goals. Color was never to be used as an excuse to not do her best.

When I am with her, talking, cooking, arguing, I only see my daughter and I am colorblind. When I look at photographs of the two of us, I am often stunned at the stark contrast in our looks. It is only then that I see what the world sees. Her luminescent deep bronze skin, large dark eyes and exquisite long dark hair is sharply contrasted with my own green eyes, short blond hair, and pale white complexion. Sometimes it takes me a moment to recognize the two of us and to absorb the visual difference we present.

Helping her come to grips with her Indian looks in a Caucasian family has taken awareness on her and our family's part. When she was eight, I took her on a pilgrimage to India. I wanted her to understand her heritage and to be proud of it. Young and still unsure of whom she was, she was concerned about how they would know she was American. Without thinking I answered, "By the way you walk." Not totally trusting my response (which turned out to be true), she insisted on wearing emblematic blue jeans the entire time we were there. I worried that those who saw her would think she was not well-cared for. I was embarrassed and wanted her to wear a dress. She won, and she made sure she flaunted the uniform of her adopted country for all to see.

Now in her third year of college, she recently transferred to a university that is far from home, located in a city that is less cosmopolitan and international than her hometown of Washington, DC. It has a smaller international student body than she is used to, and at least in her eyes, more blue-eyed females with long, straight blond hair than she is accustomed to going to classes with. She has always been aware of being a minority, but before September 11th, she had experienced few ugly incidents related to her country of origin. If anything, she was developing a comfort level as "an attractive rare bird" valued by those of all skin shades.

Parenting always means walking a fine line between protecting your child and setting him or her free to learn on their own how to manage life's downs and ups. After the September 11th attacks, I had to do something that I am sure many parents had to do and no parent in America should ever have to do. Sad and determined, I called my daughter. "Hon," I said, "I don't want to worry you, but I have to tell you something. Times have changed and you need to be careful. I want you to live your life as usual, but stay close to school, go out in groups and think carefully about where you go at night. And, please, when you party or shop, take care and don't go alone." She listened quietly. "Mom," she said. "I didn't want to worry you, but I was in a Seven-Eleven and some guy got nasty with me. He asked my religion and wanted to know if I was Muslim. It was scary. I was with my friends and we left." Painful memories of Jews, Japanese, Tutsis, Hispanics, Armenians, Blacks - other racial, ethnic, or religious groups under siege - flooded my brain. "You did the right thing," I responded. "Just use your street smarts and you'll be fine." I hung up, feeling helpless, angry and heartbroken. The safest, most liberal country in the world was no longer safe. Not for my daughter, not for those of dark complexion, not for anyone who looked Middle Eastern or stereotypically Islamic.

I believe she will never again be as safe as she once was. I brought her to a free country where color shouldn't matter. As many ethnic groups know all too well, it does. And after September 11th, I fear it will matter more. She is my daughter. I love her and my love is colorblind, but not everyone else's is. September 11th brought ugly, unfounded prejudices once again to the fore. In the past, it has been other groups who think, dress or look differently who became the recipients of hate. This time it is Muslims.

We are a diverse nation. Tolerance is our strength. Each of us has an obligation to be vigilant and to not let ignorance overcome wisdom. Now it is my turn to worry about my child. Next time it could be yours. My daughter is an American. She shouldn't ever have had to face discrimination and concern for her safety. Now she does. September 11th has presented us with a new American Tragedy. We cannot let the evil of prejudice prevail.

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss: Only When It Isn't

Americans tend to think a kiss is one of three types.

The first is the "blow in the air" kiss, which I see as the socially acceptable "blow off." It's the kind of kiss you frequently see in Hollywood or social events. Usually eyes dart in the opposite direction from your mouth as you and your fellow kissing partner not so subtly seek the next person to "kiss."

Then, there is the kiss reserved for grandparents, children, dogs, cats and other loved ones who aren't peers. These kisses may feel obligatory, as with great aunts or third cousins, or be genuine displays of affection, as with children and grandchildren.

The third type of kiss is the "getting to know you better" one, or more commonly, the type of kiss shared between romantic partners. It can range from gently, tenderly brushing two pairs of lips together to something more intense, such as getting your tongues all tangled up in one another, figuring out where your noses go and how to breathe while performing this important ritual. This kiss can also evolve from a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an entire body bath, depending on the level of attraction of the participants.

However, a new kind of kiss is crossing European waters to become more common in the US. It's the cheek to cheek buss. This double kiss has been around forever, but except in a few of the afore mentioned circles, has not yet become a valued European import.

This kiss involves some practice. You sort of get your heads in the right direction, make sure the rest of your body isn't touching and that both kissers know the same rules. If you don't, you run the risk of bumping noses, foreheads and looking perfectly ridiculous. Then there's the question of height and girth. If you are built closely enough where your eyes easily meet on a level playing field, or if one's stomach doesn't protrude into the allotted space, you are off to a pretty good start. However dangers lurk at every turn. If one bends down first or is the first to look up, then each person runs the risk of serious damage. Bending down means possible back ache. Looking way up risks a bad neck cramp or worse. Unless well practiced, this kind of social mouth-to-mouth equivalent of a handshake can result in serious complications.

Personally, I've come to like this kind of greeting, but only with people I know relatively well and not with perfect strangers. You could say I'm at level 202 of cheek kissing and far from being ready to graduate. So, how do I get the message across that according to where you stand in my Rolodex (remember that word?), you are worthy of such a greeting? Of course the converse may also be true: Am I worthy of a double kiss according to you?

This part is really complicated. What if you are in a group? I haven't quite figured out if it's appropriate to do a round robin double-cheek buss or if the wiser move is to wave to all and say "hello" in one fell swoop.

Of course this science and art (or is it really a social sport?) has to be perfected, as it is fraught with mishaps along the way. A guy's end of day stubble is no fun along a delicate cheek - and "oh my" - will my make-up smear?

Who is supposed to initiate this entire process? Protocol supposedly indicates it's the higher ranking person. But I don't get it. Higher ranking in what? The greater number of children one has? Or should we run into each other at the supermarket, the highest grocery bill or most bags carried out?

In the end, I feel as if this new type of kissing definitely has potential, but, at least for me, the system is far from perfected. I guess the old adage has merit here: Practice makes perfect. Only please save me from injuries and foolishness in the process.

Kiss Kiss.

Over Fifty and Flying High

Once again, I was reminded that the heights able to be reached for those of us over fifty remain far furthermore than many of us easily envision. Saturday, I was in my usual front row aisle seat on my way from DC to JAX. The small 53 seat plane was one of those too crowded, often late, no food experiences we’ve all gotten to know too well. Then, I got delightful jolt. My flight attendant was a blast and before I knew it, I and most of the other passengers were watching his every move, listening to his every word and laughing loudly. He was better than many motivational speakers I’ve heard. He asked what I did, I told him sexpert. He bet me, I couldn’t guess what he had done in his prior job. “Nope" I said. Then, he showed me a truly impressive diamond insignia ring with the words Principal of the Year State of Florida engraved around the stones. Turns out, he had been awarded several other principal awards as well. I could see why. Doug Iscovitz has the winning personality that makes him an easy to follow pied piper. I could imagine him sweeping floors if needed, encouraging staff and students alike and turning a tedious academic experience into a situation for curiosity, learning and fun.

So why this now? I asked. Thirty years of the School system was just fine, he replied. I loved it. But, I decided to retire. Now I’m on to something else - flying and my family and I can travel wherever we want. We love it. His enthusiasm was infectious. He made me want to consider what I too might do next if I really thought out of my own self imposed box.