Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Parents, Kids, Politics

Parent child conflict during this political season, can be especially heightened when parents and children are close. Of course, it depends at which developmental stage the child may be. Is the offspring a young adult and a first or second-time voter? Or is he or she older and has already established his/her own lifestyle?

Younger adultchildren, 18-25 or so, may be trying to rebel in acceptable terms and define their own identity. One way of doing this is to reject parental values. Moms and dads who are close to their kids often see themselves through their children's values. Thus, if a younger child votes differently than their parent, the parent may feel rejected. Or mom or dad may feel they have not instilled a good moral, ethical or political value system in their child. The results are that the parent or parents will consciously or unconsciously feel inadequate. If that is the case and they in fact do feel inadequate or as if they have failed as a parent, the parent may try to control their adult child or lash out. This takes the form of a political argument. Conversely, the new voter may be "flexing their muscle" and trying to prove how smart they are and how little their parent knows. This dynamic easily ignites into fire and friction.

If the child is older, possibly married, and has already established a life of their own, theoretically, they have established their own values with their partner. Thus, the child's primary family and commitment is no longer their family of origin, including their parent. The child's allegiances have shifted. As a result, parents may have a hard time "letting go" and again they may feel rejected, dropped and cast aside. Hurt and angry feelings ensue.

Interestingly, one of my own daughters rejected my more liberal values, and although I voted democratic in the last election, she voted republican. As a business school graduate, she was determined to prove to me that I didn't understand business. I chose not to argue with her and to respect her process. I wasn't sure if she totally believed her own arguments, or if she was individuating and trying to stand on her own two feet. I also thought she was rebelling and let her do so.

This year she is voting the same way I am, though her stated reasons are different. So, often it is a developmental process that gets enacted through the political arena. All politics are a reflection of personal and family dynamics. Voter decisions are multi-dimensional and are rarely solely issue-based.

It stands to reason that parents who are closely intertwined with their adult kids can and will battle over political persuasions. When viewed as an interpersonal dynamic,it is easy to see how the political content becomes a vehicle for deeper emotions and changing family ties. Unfortunately, mending these rifts can be a long- term process.

This particular electionhas probably brought out more passion than any since JFK. Younger individuals tend to see the issues differently than those who have lived longer. Therefore, families have eitherforged greater solidarity or stronger bonds, or their differences have sowed deep rifts. This is certainly true between parents and kids.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A Political Marriage? Why McCain Chose Palin

*This is part one of a series of blogs on candidates, politics and the role of sex. I invite my FiftyandFurthermore counterparts to react, respond, and offer their own food for thought.

In preparation for tonight's debate, I found myself contemplating some political issues from a psychological view point. Those that I offer are not the only explanations, but they have enough truth to be thought about. Many have asked me why McCain picked Palin as his running mate. I suggest that we look beyond the usual reasons proffered: she's a maverick, she's a woman, she can connect with a specific segment of the American population, etc. I believe McCains choice of Sarah was highly influenced by an unconscious reason that is not unusual for a man in his position.

McCain is getting older. He arrived at 72 as a self-defined maverick. At 71 he said, "I am too old to be called The Comeback Kid. But Come Back I have." This was one of his first overt self reflections about his age.

Check your mythology, check movies, check your neighbor, and possibly even check out yourself. It is common for an older man, often ill or afraid, to wed (and this is a political marriage) a woman years younger than himself. At this point in his life he has gained wisdom and years of experience and at the same time is in need of a dash of youthful (sexual) life force. Sarah Palin brings sexuality, sensuality and energy to the Republican presidential pairing. She arrived on the scene much as a rock star might: big splash, full of energy and with enough noise and music in the background that she really doesn't need to sustain her drum rolls for more than a few months. If she can sustain this image, and I see no reason that she can't, we never have to get to know her until she possibly becomes our next Vice President, or if McCain isn't well, President.

McCain himself is not attacking, but neither is he holding his vice president in check. She is the younger women to an older man's fantasy wish. John McCain has a history of instantly falling in love. Was his choice of Palin really so different than the way he chose his second wife? Yes, on the surface it seems so. But I invite you to dig deeper. I'm curious if those who support Sarah Palin ever wonder why they may be voting for an "Energizer Bunny" sex symbol about whom so little is known.

Next: The Sexuality of Barrack and Michelle Obama

Yom Kippur and the Concept of Forgiveness

I have found something especially meaningful in every religion I've encountered. Forgiveness may be my favorite concept from the Jewish religion. Yom Kippur, this year taking place on October 9, 2008, is this religion's most holy day. It's the Day of Atonement and forgiveness. During this time, the participant is required to regret their sin, resolve never to do it again and ask the person they have sinned against for forgiveness. On Yom Kippur, you must confess the sin and also ask Hashem for forgiveness. (In conversation, many Jewish people will call God "Hashem," which is Hebrew for "the Name.")

However, the ancient Rabbis understood that human nature is sometimes stubborn and does not always easily forgive. It is therefore customary to ask people before Yom Kippur to forgive you for anything you may have done to hurt them. If you make an honest attempt to ask the person for forgiveness, and he refuses to forgive you, you must try at least two more times. You have to wait a few days in-between requests, and they must be in three different places, in hopes that the person will cool off and change his mind. If he still refuses to forgive you, you have at least done your part.

I share with you a truly moving story of forgiveness.


October 1, 2008

Yom Kippur 5769: The Art of Forgiveness

By Jane Ulman

On the 50th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, in 1995, Eva Kor, then 61 and a real estate broker in Terre Haute, Ind., stood outside a gas chamber at the infamous camp and offered her forgiveness out loud to the late Dr. Josef Mengele for the inhumane medical experiments he had performed on her and her twin sister.

She forgave every other Nazi, as well.

"I, Eva Mozes Kor, a twin who survived as a child of Josef Mengele's experiments at Auschwitz 50 years ago, hereby give amnesty to all Nazis who participated directly or indirectly in the murder of my family and millions of others," she said that day, reading from a prepared statement. Even in our culture of apology, where "I forgive you" flows freely and often speedily from the mouths of perpetrators and politicians, parents and children, spouses and complete strangers, Kor's apology stands out.

"I call forgiveness the modern miracle medicine," she said.