Sex is Still Around - Only Different

America is both a puritanical and prurient society. We shout family values, but the definition of family now extends to include two people of the same sex, chosen children, blended and extended relatives, and less and less of the once prevalent concept of Mom, Dad, 2.5 kids and Leave It To Beaver white picket fence bonds.

Sex sells and no matter what family value we promote, we are surrounded by this reality at every turn. Open any magazine, tune into most TV channels, watch any sport, even attend cultural high brow events such as the Opera, and you will find ads geared to get us in the crotch blasted from every angle.

The generation who witnessed the sudden availability of birth control, who "f—ked for peace," who lay down in streets against war and shouted "Never Trust Anyone Over Thirty" - are all over fifty and furthermore. We have become the age that we railed against.
We who once thought we had discovered Estrogen Avenue and Testosterone Boulevard are now not only over thirty but pushing fifty, sixty and more. And we find we still want to "do it." Only most of us find it simply isn't the same.

What has changed? For many of us, sex may be slower, less satisfying - or better than ever. But one thing is for sure; it certainly is different. My advice to my peers: Don't rush to your local MD (many of whom once were the purveyors of illegal drugs and have now become the doctors, respected prescribers of legal ones). Instead do something more complex but possibly longer-lasting. Change your attitude. Use your brain - it remains your most important sexual organ. Stop comparing yourself to what you once were and enjoy yourself as you are now. Remember, too, the largest sexual "organ" is your skin. Sex remains. But for most of us (blessedly), it is different than when we were mindlessly young.

Join Us! You Belong Here

For a healthy Mind, Body and Spirit, join myself and our experts on Fifty and Furthermore.

Two-thirds of all office visits to family physicians are due to stress-related symptoms (American Academy of Family Physicians). Stress is the body's attempt to cope with too many stimuli coming at once. Your immune system gets compromised, you get hyper or exhausted, eat too much or too little and become an exercise fanatic or a coach potato. Some of the answers you seek can be found here at www.FiftyandFurthermore.com. Read our sections about how different people have coped with the same issues that you have. Susan Brandenburg, for example, changed careers, Karen Fawcett moved, John Crawford tells us about how to handle financial stress and Marilyn Bagel simply takes the bus.  And I always have something to say about relationships, intimacy, sex or even at times wander to other areas such as meds and articles about people who have had to take an unexpected plan "B" in their lives. 

We all learn from one another. Read our articles. Check out our Writers' Guidelines and tell us a tale that you think belongs. Offer your tips about food, yoga, Pilates, golf and other stress reducers. Read our reviews. We'll tell you where to eat, where to relax, where to travel or simply where to have some fun. Join us. We're out to help all of those Fifty And Furthermore live life with zest. This is your over 50 location for the smart, savvy, sexy luxury set. Find us, keep us, and use us.

You belong here...

Welcome Home, Now Please Leave: Boomerang Generation (Redux)

College graduation used to mean applauding your kid's accomplishments, then remaining available on the phone for their lows and highs as they job hunted for their future career. Nowadays, in our current economy, the scenario is just as likely to be; "Hey Dad, Mom or both, I wanna' come home." With the joy of seeing your offspring again and the vision of no longer paying college tuition, you gladly respond, "How long?" Your returning loved one, now part of the Boomerang Generation, may well say, "a few weeks, the summer or I don't know." What's a loving parent to do? Of course you want to see and help your conflicted fledgling adult. And of course you want to give him or her hugs. But, the reality of dirty laundry in their room or possibly all over the house again, or a twenty something partying into the night and sleeping half the day, or wondering why they haven't found a job yet irks you. "No, I am not going to pay for graduate school," you may think or say. "And whatever happened to the idea of lining up a job or even summer travel or something to do before graduation?" Yes, you tried talking to your darling for months. And, (s)he convincingly told you about how hard it was studying for exams, finishing all the work they had to do first, and adjusting to the significant other that was no longer around. And by the way, dear parent, will you pay for my car to be shipped home - and what about the cat(s) or dog(s) I've acquire along the way?

As a psychologist, I find my empathy equally divided between today's befuddled (often feeling entitled) youth and comparably torn parents who tried to give their children so much of what they didn't have growing up, all the while attempting to instill "good" values. There's no winner here. Parents, whether in nuclear or blended families, are torn between opening their arms to their returning nester and once again wanting to kick them out. And if in doubt, after a few weeks, the feelings on both parents' and new college graduate often are: Welcome Home, Now Please Leave.

I Think I Can

Several months ago, three of the eternally young names in music - Michael Jackson, Madonna and Prince - hit 50. Mick Jagger is now 65, the once accepted age of retirement. And Tony Bennett is 82. Decades ago the word wondered how these talents were going to keep their prestigious and high paying jobs. But, they have endured. As long as they have age mates and new devotees and audiences keep coming, they will keep singing. Personally, I’m glad. When I wonder if I too should keep going, I look around me at people like these who are still going strong. Heck, we even have a once counted as down and out 72 year old running for president. It reminds me of one of my generation’s favorite books. The Little Engine That Could. By Watty Piper and I chug along saying: “I think I can. I think I can, I think I can.”

Technology and Caregiving

I was delighted to read the following press release from AARP. It stands as confirmation for one of the reasons I started FiftyandFurthermore. I've known for a long time that we Boomers and Pioneers were a lot wiser than we were being given credit for. I saw it in my psychotherapy practice and I saw it in my friends. We didn't need studies to tell us what was happening; we were living it. But others not in our age group have been harder to convince. Thus, I applaud AARP (www.AARP.org) for commissioning and publishing this well-needed research by the American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging (www.aahsa.org), and I breathe a sigh of relief that I no longer feel so alone. We FiftyandFurthermores may not have been born with technology, but we sure have the smarts to use what will help us. I was especially gratified since my book on caregiving (When The Man You Love Is Ill: Doing Your Best For Your Partner Without Losing Yourself) specifically addresses the benefits of modern technology for caregivers and those who, because of illness, must spend much of their time at home. How encouraging to know that AARP agrees with me and with FiftyandFurthermore readers.

Read the full press release here: Older People Want to Use Technology to Help Them Remain at Home

Excerpts from the press release:

Older adults want to use technology so they can age safely in their home. Family caregivers agree believing technology can ease some of the challenges of caregiving. Concerns such as cost to install and maintain equipment remain barriers for people 65-plus and for caregivers. These are the conclusions of two new reports, one from AARP and the other from the Center for Aging Services Technologies (CAST) of the American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging (AAHSA).

The AARP Foundation commissioned this report which examined the attitudes of people 65-plus and caregivers towards technology and found that both groups are concerned about costs. The study identified a willingness to try technology like home security services, sensors to detect falls and devices to regulate temperature, lights and appliances. But cost remains a factor with seventy-five percent of caregivers and eighty percent of those 65-plus willing to pay $50.00 or less per month for the service.

"The ground is fertile for the use of caregiving technology to flourish," said Elinor Ginzler, AARP Sr. Vice President for Livable Communities. "Almost nine in ten older Americans want to be able to stay in their own homes and they are willing to use technology that can help them do that. Cost, however, is the elephant in the room-how to pay remains a big obstacle."

There is also a conflicting perspective between caregivers and those likely to need care. People 65-plus report a high willingness to use technology, but more than eight in ten caregivers believe they would have some, or a great deal of difficulty convincing those they care for to adopt technology. Large majorities of both caregivers and potential care recipients believe technology would make them feel safer, give them more personal peace of mind and provide peace of mind for families and friends.

The CAST study lays out the categories of technologies that exist to ease the burden of caregiving for informal and paid caregivers. These include:

* Sensors can detect and notify a caregiver if a person being cared for does not get out of his chair or turn off the stove.

* Health technologies can monitor blood pressure, respiration and other conditions in real time while the person is at home, reducing the need for doctor's visits and notifying caregivers immediately of significant changes.

* Medication dispensers provide the appropriate medicines at the appropriate time and remind a person being cared for to take them.

* Computer games provide social networking, brain stimulation and even monitoring of cognitive abilities through the use of diagnostic games.

The study also includes interviews with expert researchers, who concluded that factors ranging from interconnectivity between different systems to usability, affordability and the availability of technical support and training will determine how widespread aging services technologies can become.

"Our study shows that we can create a network of technology-driven services to help elders stay at home and achieve better outcomes," said Majd Alwan, PhD, director of CAST. "Technology can help create a new paradigm for caring for elders, and consumers should be as aware of these options as they are aware of their cell phone plans or cable television offerings."

Research commissioned and funded by Blue Shield of California Foundation to the AARP Foundation and the Center for Aging Services Technologies (CAST) of the American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging.

For more information on Healthy @ Home visit: http://www.aarp.org/research/housing-mobility/indliving/healthy_home.html.

For more information on the CAST study visit: www.agingtech.org.

Post Mother's Day Reality

OK. So Mother's Day has come and gone and I'm still a mom.

Of course I love and adore my children and grand children, but in truth, I admit to moments of annoyance and wonder doesn't mothering ever stop? Here I am in my sixties, my kids grown and supposedly on their own, except one really isn't. I understand where she is in her life and why. I respect her growing pains and determination to develop her own life. However, this daughter still needs me. And, although I am there for her in the ways I find appropriate and supportive, I am not present for her in the ways she thinks I should or wants me to be. I am concerned for her. She is far from home and although she misses home terribly, she has decided to plant her roots elsewhere.

It's part of the challenge that many twenty something's go through as they separate from Mom (and Dad). They push away with one hand and pull with the other. This one wants financial independence, but deep down expects Mom to help out in ways that make sense to her, but not to me. Of course I want to be there for her and am. At the same time the word "No" comes out of my mouth more often than I wish.

My other children either have never been this way or have already grown past this independence struggle. Or, maybe I'm just that much older where I more easily tire of not having her fully grown? In the long run I know she is going through the developmental process of growing from one stage to another and that we will both come out the other side. But, while yesterday was a special day where I was feted and honored, I am ready for some consistent old fashioned respect. In Japan they have an Honor Your Elder's Day and the entire country closes down. I'm ready to have an honor your Mom's day every day. Yesterday was lovely. Today real life returns. No one ever told me mothering never stops.

Mother’s Day Reflections

For most of us Mother's Day is a joyous time. I usually find myself thinking about and missing my own long-deceased mother. My kids and grandkids also use the day to honor me. But today, as I think of our political climate and the race for the presidency, I found myself thinking about an article that I wrote five years ago. I think it says as much about my core experience of being a mother as any celebration our family has ever had. I hope it touches you as well.

AN AMERICAN TRAGEDY

One of my children is a daughter adopted 22 years ago from a little known orphanage in Pune, India. She joined our family at six weeks and became a US citizen before she could speak. Her pre-adoption history – as is so many other adopted children's - is a maze of facts and fabrications and we will never be able to weave together the complete truth about her origins. Her identity is the one formed as she grew up as part of our American family. She walks and talks with an all-American athletic flair. In high school, one of her most memorable moments was to crew at the challenging Head of the Charles - a most all-American event. During summer vacations, she earned spending money working as a lifeguard, teacher's aide, administrative assistant and a salesperson at a local boutique. We taught her the American work ethic that with hard work and perseverance, she had a good chance of achieving her goals. Color was never to be used as an excuse to not do her best.

When I am with her, talking, cooking, arguing, I only see my daughter and I am colorblind. When I look at photographs of the two of us, I am often stunned at the stark contrast in our looks. It is only then that I see what the world sees. Her luminescent deep bronze skin, large dark eyes and exquisite long dark hair is sharply contrasted with my own green eyes, short blond hair, and pale white complexion. Sometimes it takes me a moment to recognize the two of us and to absorb the visual difference we present.

Helping her come to grips with her Indian looks in a Caucasian family has taken awareness on her and our family's part. When she was eight, I took her on a pilgrimage to India. I wanted her to understand her heritage and to be proud of it. Young and still unsure of whom she was, she was concerned about how they would know she was American. Without thinking I answered, "By the way you walk." Not totally trusting my response (which turned out to be true), she insisted on wearing emblematic blue jeans the entire time we were there. I worried that those who saw her would think she was not well-cared for. I was embarrassed and wanted her to wear a dress. She won, and she made sure she flaunted the uniform of her adopted country for all to see.

Now in her third year of college, she recently transferred to a university that is far from home, located in a city that is less cosmopolitan and international than her hometown of Washington, DC. It has a smaller international student body than she is used to, and at least in her eyes, more blue-eyed females with long, straight blond hair than she is accustomed to going to classes with. She has always been aware of being a minority, but before September 11th, she had experienced few ugly incidents related to her country of origin. If anything, she was developing a comfort level as "an attractive rare bird" valued by those of all skin shades.

Parenting always means walking a fine line between protecting your child and setting him or her free to learn on their own how to manage life's downs and ups. After the September 11th attacks, I had to do something that I am sure many parents had to do and no parent in America should ever have to do. Sad and determined, I called my daughter. "Hon," I said, "I don't want to worry you, but I have to tell you something. Times have changed and you need to be careful. I want you to live your life as usual, but stay close to school, go out in groups and think carefully about where you go at night. And, please, when you party or shop, take care and don't go alone." She listened quietly. "Mom," she said. "I didn't want to worry you, but I was in a Seven-Eleven and some guy got nasty with me. He asked my religion and wanted to know if I was Muslim. It was scary. I was with my friends and we left." Painful memories of Jews, Japanese, Tutsis, Hispanics, Armenians, Blacks - other racial, ethnic, or religious groups under siege - flooded my brain. "You did the right thing," I responded. "Just use your street smarts and you'll be fine." I hung up, feeling helpless, angry and heartbroken. The safest, most liberal country in the world was no longer safe. Not for my daughter, not for those of dark complexion, not for anyone who looked Middle Eastern or stereotypically Islamic.

I believe she will never again be as safe as she once was. I brought her to a free country where color shouldn't matter. As many ethnic groups know all too well, it does. And after September 11th, I fear it will matter more. She is my daughter. I love her and my love is colorblind, but not everyone else's is. September 11th brought ugly, unfounded prejudices once again to the fore. In the past, it has been other groups who think, dress or look differently who became the recipients of hate. This time it is Muslims.

We are a diverse nation. Tolerance is our strength. Each of us has an obligation to be vigilant and to not let ignorance overcome wisdom. Now it is my turn to worry about my child. Next time it could be yours. My daughter is an American. She shouldn't ever have had to face discrimination and concern for her safety. Now she does. September 11th has presented us with a new American Tragedy. We cannot let the evil of prejudice prevail.

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss: Only When It Isn't

Americans tend to think a kiss is one of three types.

The first is the "blow in the air" kiss, which I see as the socially acceptable "blow off." It's the kind of kiss you frequently see in Hollywood or social events. Usually eyes dart in the opposite direction from your mouth as you and your fellow kissing partner not so subtly seek the next person to "kiss."

Then, there is the kiss reserved for grandparents, children, dogs, cats and other loved ones who aren't peers. These kisses may feel obligatory, as with great aunts or third cousins, or be genuine displays of affection, as with children and grandchildren.

The third type of kiss is the "getting to know you better" one, or more commonly, the type of kiss shared between romantic partners. It can range from gently, tenderly brushing two pairs of lips together to something more intense, such as getting your tongues all tangled up in one another, figuring out where your noses go and how to breathe while performing this important ritual. This kiss can also evolve from a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to an entire body bath, depending on the level of attraction of the participants.

However, a new kind of kiss is crossing European waters to become more common in the US. It's the cheek to cheek buss. This double kiss has been around forever, but except in a few of the afore mentioned circles, has not yet become a valued European import.

This kiss involves some practice. You sort of get your heads in the right direction, make sure the rest of your body isn't touching and that both kissers know the same rules. If you don't, you run the risk of bumping noses, foreheads and looking perfectly ridiculous. Then there's the question of height and girth. If you are built closely enough where your eyes easily meet on a level playing field, or if one's stomach doesn't protrude into the allotted space, you are off to a pretty good start. However dangers lurk at every turn. If one bends down first or is the first to look up, then each person runs the risk of serious damage. Bending down means possible back ache. Looking way up risks a bad neck cramp or worse. Unless well practiced, this kind of social mouth-to-mouth equivalent of a handshake can result in serious complications.

Personally, I've come to like this kind of greeting, but only with people I know relatively well and not with perfect strangers. You could say I'm at level 202 of cheek kissing and far from being ready to graduate. So, how do I get the message across that according to where you stand in my Rolodex (remember that word?), you are worthy of such a greeting? Of course the converse may also be true: Am I worthy of a double kiss according to you?

This part is really complicated. What if you are in a group? I haven't quite figured out if it's appropriate to do a round robin double-cheek buss or if the wiser move is to wave to all and say "hello" in one fell swoop.

Of course this science and art (or is it really a social sport?) has to be perfected, as it is fraught with mishaps along the way. A guy's end of day stubble is no fun along a delicate cheek - and "oh my" - will my make-up smear?

Who is supposed to initiate this entire process? Protocol supposedly indicates it's the higher ranking person. But I don't get it. Higher ranking in what? The greater number of children one has? Or should we run into each other at the supermarket, the highest grocery bill or most bags carried out?

In the end, I feel as if this new type of kissing definitely has potential, but, at least for me, the system is far from perfected. I guess the old adage has merit here: Practice makes perfect. Only please save me from injuries and foolishness in the process.

Kiss Kiss.

Over Fifty and Flying High

Once again, I was reminded that the heights able to be reached for those of us over fifty remain far furthermore than many of us easily envision. Saturday, I was in my usual front row aisle seat on my way from DC to JAX. The small 53 seat plane was one of those too crowded, often late, no food experiences we’ve all gotten to know too well. Then, I got delightful jolt. My flight attendant was a blast and before I knew it, I and most of the other passengers were watching his every move, listening to his every word and laughing loudly. He was better than many motivational speakers I’ve heard. He asked what I did, I told him sexpert. He bet me, I couldn’t guess what he had done in his prior job. “Nope" I said. Then, he showed me a truly impressive diamond insignia ring with the words Principal of the Year State of Florida engraved around the stones. Turns out, he had been awarded several other principal awards as well. I could see why. Doug Iscovitz has the winning personality that makes him an easy to follow pied piper. I could imagine him sweeping floors if needed, encouraging staff and students alike and turning a tedious academic experience into a situation for curiosity, learning and fun.

So why this now? I asked. Thirty years of the School system was just fine, he replied. I loved it. But, I decided to retire. Now I’m on to something else - flying and my family and I can travel wherever we want. We love it. His enthusiasm was infectious. He made me want to consider what I too might do next if I really thought out of my own self imposed box.