For those of us over 50, our world is often filled with prudes and prurient. Everyone knows sex sells, at any age. Whether or not you are having it. Whether or not you are for or against it. Whether or not it's heterosexual or same sex, it's of interest to all. However, sex changes with added years. Once over fifty, our bodies are like a well worn car. We may get a great new paint jobs, but still some of our parts may get rusty and don't quite work the way they once did. And we often need repairs and/or external and internal overhauls. These changes impact our sex lives. Though desire remains our best aphrodisiac, there is no shame or blame in letting science help where nature may have left off.
Menopause used to be relatively irrelevant, because people didn't live productively (and sexually) for another thirty, forty or even fifty years as we now do. Thus, if their libido, or (sex drive) drooped and dropped, it didn't' really matter. Now with the implications of a potential "pink pill eventfully on the market (Viagra for women) the fact that many women are interested in continuing their sex life is out in the open. However, women need to be responsible and do their research. As I have mentioned in prior articles, staying healthy and sexually active requires taking responsibility and getting educated. You really need to know what is available, and the risk benefit ratio of every product. You know your body better than anyone else. Pay attention to it.
Men too are impacted. Many men find their erections aren't as firm or frequent or last as long as they once did. This is normal. Talk to your doctor to check out your physical health. Don't be afraid to use prescription aids available. But, do remember truth in advertising. TV and print ads tend to race through and fudge the small print. Not all prescriptions work for all people all the time. Many have side effects or aren't appropriate in specific conditions or are counter indicated with other medications. So, don't be ashamed to ask questions or acknowledge the specific prescription or over the counter aid you are trying.
Remember Jack Nicholson as aging playboy Harry Sanborn in the delightful movie, Something's Gotta Give? (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0337741). He takes Viagra which can kill you when mixed with nitroglycerin. He has chest pains and is in the in emergency room when he is asked if he's taken Viagra. He lies and when told by medical practitioner, "good", then they can give him the needed nitroglycerin, Harry, leaps off the table, embarrassed. Everyone over 50 in the audience I was in laughed because it hit home. Denial runs rampant when we seek additional help for our sexual lives. My advice, don't drop out. Tune in and tune up and use what is available to keep intimacy and joy alive.
1. Go back to basics… create a romantic atmosphere, and view sexy movies together. Not alone and not solo porn. I mean together, like the old days.
2. Spice is Nice. Break your routine. Do something fun. Use sex toys if that's your thing. Whatever floats your boat between two consenting adults is OK.
3. Exercise for your mind and body… including exercising some internal organs such as kegels for both women and men.
4. Always check with your health professional to make sure your external and internal chassis is in good shape.
5. Don't run on empty, take care of yourself and have fun.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
My Own Sex And The City Experience
I recently experienced Sex and the City in my own little steaming hot spot. In a steam room of all places, five women ages 38-44 entered. They asked if I minded if they "man bashed." I said No, as long as I could comment. Their tales were all too familiar and common in a city like DC: The married guy who was staying with his wife for the sake of the children; the never-married guy with money, charm and good manners, but who didn't want to be committed; the "I love you, but I have to travel tons, and I may be moving" guy; the guy who says "I think you are a great catch but I'm already in love with someone else (though I am still playing the field);" the attractive twice-divorced brunette who has become a runaway bride with two broken engagements just before the wedding. You get the picture. These are all accomplished and lovely, attractive women. They are lonely and their self esteem is down the toilet. They claim there are no decent single men, but they haven’t looked outside their own safety zone. Sound familiar? Ladies, get your rear into good therapy. Learn about yourselves and your own patterns. Date someone who is willing to work on a relationship and learn what it takes.
I know your bed can get cold. I know it can get lonely at times. But ladies, you deserve more than a great roll in the hay (though I know that's fun). And your guys, they deserve more as well. Help them know what they need to do. You will both be better for it. The sex part is easy; the relationship part is not.
I left that steam room thankful I was no longer young. When it comes to relationships, Saging seems well worthwhile.
I know your bed can get cold. I know it can get lonely at times. But ladies, you deserve more than a great roll in the hay (though I know that's fun). And your guys, they deserve more as well. Help them know what they need to do. You will both be better for it. The sex part is easy; the relationship part is not.
I left that steam room thankful I was no longer young. When it comes to relationships, Saging seems well worthwhile.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Finally! Science Secures Continued Savoring Of One Of My Sins!
New Hints that Red Wine May Slow Aging:
http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1P2-2185173.html
http://www.nutritionj.com/content/6/1/27
Oh joy, oh joy. This study makes me happy. I eat well, rarely to excess, eat almost no meat, and an alcoholic drink barely passes my lips, but I love my red (and white) wine. Now, it seems, I can imbibe to my heart's content, in moderation of course, purely medicinally to stay alive. Maybe the ancient Jews and Christians knew what they were doing when they added wine to their religious rituals. Seems all the antioxidants and other good stuff contained in red wine appear to prolong youth and fend off aging. This doubles my determination not to quit the stuff. I always knew it was medicinal of the best kind. So glad science is giving me additional permission to stay on something I already enjoy. Sometimes the body seems to know how to care for itself.
The ancients were wise. Viva wine now and when I am one hundred and ten!
http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1P2-2185173.html
http://www.nutritionj.com/content/6/1/27
Oh joy, oh joy. This study makes me happy. I eat well, rarely to excess, eat almost no meat, and an alcoholic drink barely passes my lips, but I love my red (and white) wine. Now, it seems, I can imbibe to my heart's content, in moderation of course, purely medicinally to stay alive. Maybe the ancient Jews and Christians knew what they were doing when they added wine to their religious rituals. Seems all the antioxidants and other good stuff contained in red wine appear to prolong youth and fend off aging. This doubles my determination not to quit the stuff. I always knew it was medicinal of the best kind. So glad science is giving me additional permission to stay on something I already enjoy. Sometimes the body seems to know how to care for itself.
The ancients were wise. Viva wine now and when I am one hundred and ten!
Friday, June 6, 2008
50 Plus Single, Savvy, S-age Seeking Love
I spend many hours a week listening to single people struggling to find someone to love and be loved by. Often, they have been married, widowed or divorced, or some have never been in a long term committed relationship. Whether they are bitter, afraid or simply don't know how to date, learning to maneuver today's dating scene always takes some education and effort.
Perhaps the biggest hurdle is that most people don't realize that just about everyone they meet has some of the same insecurities they do and that no one has an Olympic gold medal in the brave greet and meet "meat market." This is a particularly challenging concept to women who tend to believe that men have it easy and can have anyone they want. While it is true that in our society dating is often easier for men than for women, it is not true that most men don't have their hang ups as well. Yes, because of the fact that there are more over 50 single women than men; men do have a numbers advantage leading to greater selection. However, numbers don't mean everything. By the time the sexes have reached the half century mark, women often are the more knowledgeable about what makes a relationship work.
The trick is simply to get out of the safety zone of your home or work environment and go about doing activities that you enjoy. Getting involved with others around mutual interests pretty much guarantees that you might have a good time. You may or may not meet the prince or princess of your dreams, but you will be out of your comfort zone, you will be networking and you might even have a good time. Be it a museum, golf lesson, movie group, hiking or cycling club; whatever turns you on, as the Nike ad says: "Just Do It!" Another important point to remember is that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, especially your own. Smooth or wrinkled skin, model thin or a few extra pounds. So what? There something for everyone. I remember one client, age 50 who lost about 100 pounds which still left her weighing around a hefty 250. She met a lovely military man whose comment was "thank goodness there's something to hold on to. I'm glad you have some curves to you." She married him and last I heard they remained deeply in love.
My message: Get out. Go out. Sexy is inside of you. Do what you love to do with joy. It will be infectious and who else knows where that joy may lead?
Perhaps the biggest hurdle is that most people don't realize that just about everyone they meet has some of the same insecurities they do and that no one has an Olympic gold medal in the brave greet and meet "meat market." This is a particularly challenging concept to women who tend to believe that men have it easy and can have anyone they want. While it is true that in our society dating is often easier for men than for women, it is not true that most men don't have their hang ups as well. Yes, because of the fact that there are more over 50 single women than men; men do have a numbers advantage leading to greater selection. However, numbers don't mean everything. By the time the sexes have reached the half century mark, women often are the more knowledgeable about what makes a relationship work.
The trick is simply to get out of the safety zone of your home or work environment and go about doing activities that you enjoy. Getting involved with others around mutual interests pretty much guarantees that you might have a good time. You may or may not meet the prince or princess of your dreams, but you will be out of your comfort zone, you will be networking and you might even have a good time. Be it a museum, golf lesson, movie group, hiking or cycling club; whatever turns you on, as the Nike ad says: "Just Do It!" Another important point to remember is that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, especially your own. Smooth or wrinkled skin, model thin or a few extra pounds. So what? There something for everyone. I remember one client, age 50 who lost about 100 pounds which still left her weighing around a hefty 250. She met a lovely military man whose comment was "thank goodness there's something to hold on to. I'm glad you have some curves to you." She married him and last I heard they remained deeply in love.
My message: Get out. Go out. Sexy is inside of you. Do what you love to do with joy. It will be infectious and who else knows where that joy may lead?
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Erectile Dysfunction After Prostate Surgery
I was on the Jim Bohannon show last month talking about saging, life, sex and other issues that have to do with our exciting website www.fiftyandfurthermore.com. A brave caller asked the following question. "I am in my mid fifties, had prostate cancer and no longer perform or function as a man Dr. Lynn. What do I do?"
There are many remedies to penile or sexual dysfunction as a result of prostate surgery. I chose not to go into all the possibilities and complications in the 3 minutes allotted me. And simply, sounding a bit cavalier said "so what?" Meaning you are still human and capable of connection, and relationships, there is still a place for you. The man seemed relieved.
It's easy to understand how part of one's identity seems diminished when you can no longer perform as you once did. Regaining self confidence and feeling like a stud (if he ever was one) becomes a major issue. I hope this guy talks to his friends, joins a support group, and/or enters short time therapy and get some help before he risks becoming a recluse. He's got plenty of issues to fiddle with, that's for sure. My wish is that he gets help remembering that he has an identity that is the sum of more than his dick. With perseverance, patience and loving connections, he will be able to find a fulfilling life. Is it easy… "No." But, is it possible… "Yes." I've seen it happen, therefore I know it is possible.
There are many remedies to penile or sexual dysfunction as a result of prostate surgery. I chose not to go into all the possibilities and complications in the 3 minutes allotted me. And simply, sounding a bit cavalier said "so what?" Meaning you are still human and capable of connection, and relationships, there is still a place for you. The man seemed relieved.
It's easy to understand how part of one's identity seems diminished when you can no longer perform as you once did. Regaining self confidence and feeling like a stud (if he ever was one) becomes a major issue. I hope this guy talks to his friends, joins a support group, and/or enters short time therapy and get some help before he risks becoming a recluse. He's got plenty of issues to fiddle with, that's for sure. My wish is that he gets help remembering that he has an identity that is the sum of more than his dick. With perseverance, patience and loving connections, he will be able to find a fulfilling life. Is it easy… "No." But, is it possible… "Yes." I've seen it happen, therefore I know it is possible.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Sex and the City vs. the Golden Girls
Is it unconscious envy or have I really grown into a different mindset? With all the Sex and the City movie hype, I find myself longing for something more age appropriate such as The Golden Girls. No, I never was a Golden Girls fan, but at this point neither am I A Sex and the City Wannabe. I have begun to find Carrie's self exploration, reminiscent of my daughters self absorptions before they grew up and settled down. I want to dump the lot of them in therapy and say, "Hey, grow up and stop trying to sex your way through life. Sex is easy; it's learning how to have a relationship that takes work. Get thee into decent therapy and let your hunger get filled. Learn the difference between activity and productivity. Stay still and breathe."
Yes, I love bonding between women. And yes, they watch each other's backs. And yes, they are a team. But at my age, do I really want to watch my kids and friends antics all over again? I've risen too many and listened to too many of their age try to grow up. (I admit I still try to help a few S&TC type women and men here and there.)
And the fashions? Admittedly, I own several pairs of Manolos. But, blessedly, my life is about far more than shoes. I proudly come from a generation that wore what they wished, which might even have been nothing (if you went to Woodstock and/or were part of the Woodstock nation). And Carrie's red carpet hat-thing perched on her head seemed like a contrived reaching for individuality that neither she nor anyone else needs to spend a fortune on to declare their identity. You can be who you are and wear what you want, and it might even look good instead of silly.
OK, tell me I've become an old fuddy duddy and I no longer understand. I really don't think so. I'm happy to applaud the TV series, the movie and all the profits everyone involved will reap. But, truth is told ladies, "It just ain't that new". Anyone my age has seen it beforeand perhaps even been part of their version of sex, (After all, we are the generation that changed everyone's future because the FDA approved birth control for us.)
So I am glad Carrie, Miranda and friends are out there for the new generation. But for me, watching their antics makes me happy I'm not young again. Nowadays, a little depth goes a long way. Or as the saying goes: "a little dab will do ya") That's about as much as I can take.
Youngsters enjoy. And maybe you too will one day live a few quiet cell free moments and walk in comfortable shoes and feel you look beautiful, just because you are. And men will flock to you, because that's what men do. And you will sit back and choose the one you want with a bit of a flutter and care. Will I see the movie? Maybe? But, with all the wonderful Indie films out there, it certainly isn't my first choice.
Yes, I love bonding between women. And yes, they watch each other's backs. And yes, they are a team. But at my age, do I really want to watch my kids and friends antics all over again? I've risen too many and listened to too many of their age try to grow up. (I admit I still try to help a few S&TC type women and men here and there.)
And the fashions? Admittedly, I own several pairs of Manolos. But, blessedly, my life is about far more than shoes. I proudly come from a generation that wore what they wished, which might even have been nothing (if you went to Woodstock and/or were part of the Woodstock nation). And Carrie's red carpet hat-thing perched on her head seemed like a contrived reaching for individuality that neither she nor anyone else needs to spend a fortune on to declare their identity. You can be who you are and wear what you want, and it might even look good instead of silly.
OK, tell me I've become an old fuddy duddy and I no longer understand. I really don't think so. I'm happy to applaud the TV series, the movie and all the profits everyone involved will reap. But, truth is told ladies, "It just ain't that new". Anyone my age has seen it beforeand perhaps even been part of their version of sex, (After all, we are the generation that changed everyone's future because the FDA approved birth control for us.)
So I am glad Carrie, Miranda and friends are out there for the new generation. But for me, watching their antics makes me happy I'm not young again. Nowadays, a little depth goes a long way. Or as the saying goes: "a little dab will do ya") That's about as much as I can take.
Youngsters enjoy. And maybe you too will one day live a few quiet cell free moments and walk in comfortable shoes and feel you look beautiful, just because you are. And men will flock to you, because that's what men do. And you will sit back and choose the one you want with a bit of a flutter and care. Will I see the movie? Maybe? But, with all the wonderful Indie films out there, it certainly isn't my first choice.
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