Seven Years Later

September 11, 2001 changed our lives forever. Americans understood that they were no longer impregnable and no longer safe from the kinds of assaults that most of the world had already endured. We all became a bit more anxious, a bit more concerned, and a bit more aware of the preciousness of life. Seven years later, 9/11 continues to shape our thinking, feeling and actions. This gaping hole in our terrain stands to remind us that it can, and most probably will, happen again. When we vote on November 2nd, we will be choosing a leader to protect us from these threats. I believe that no matter who we vote for, we need to be aware that 9/11 has taught us the single most important lesson. We are no longer alone. America is in fact part of the larger world and part of the global economy. Thus, we cannot bully our way to power. As we consider voting, consider issues, not personalities. Which candidates understand this fact best? Which candidates will build a secure country with minimum chance of war? Who will have learned from the past, and will do their best in the present to keep our future alive and growing? 9/11 changed our lives forever. It is up to us today, and election day, to vote out of our convictions, courageously.

The Juno Effect in Juneau?

What Bristol Palins Pregnancy Tells Us About U.S. Society
and the New Face of the GOP

What does the movie Juno have in common with Juneau, the capital of Alaska? Governor Sarah Palin & her pregnant teen daughter. The media has been abuzz about the exciting newcomer to the 2008 presidential election, Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin who is now McCain's tough cookie, beautiful, blue collar running mate. Well now the news gets even juicier as journalists flock to the scene - Bristol Palin, her 17 year-old daughter, is five months pregnant. Governor Palin knew that her daughter was pregnant during her announcement last week that she was running for VP."

In fact, Bristol was photographed at the convention holding her little brother during her mother's speech, and newspapers around the country are now re-using the pictures of the pregnant Bristol cuddling her napping sibling. I don't know if the captured image was just a natural picture, a tender moment caught on film of the Palin family, or if the shots were set up by the McCain camp, but either way, it is pure PR genius for the conservative Republicans. Notice I am not being accusatory and implying that the pictures were necessarily "staged." I have no doubt that Bristol is a wonderful big sis, but one can't deny that the pictures have a great spin for the media who will either be eating up the images of her as a loving mom-to-be, or exposing her baby bump pictures next week on YouTube.

Rumors are flying that perhaps Sarah Palin's infant son is in fact her daughter's child. This rumor has been denied and shot down of course, but the political mudslinging is ramping up as the Republicans accuse the Democrats of starting the lie. All the world's a stage. Last season, on ABC's hit TV show Desperate Housewives, Bree Hodge (played by Marcia Cross) faked a pregnancy to cover up for her teen daughter who was unwed and pregnant. Bree wore a pregnant body suit in front of her unknowing friends and sent her young daughter away to have the child and avoid social embarrassment. This plot reminds me of the issues that were so common in the 50's and 60's before women had much of a choice.

Whether it is a blockbuster movie like Juno, Wisteria Lane, or Pennsylvania Avenue, Bristol Palin's pregnancy is just one example of a growing trend among American families. Teen pregnancy is at an all-time high in the US right now, and abortions are at a 30 year low. An amazing number of grandparents are now becoming parents all over again to their children's children. Many voters will able to relate to Sarah Palin's situation, but many others will question why the governor put her name in the hat to be nominated for VP, knowing that her daughter would be put under the microscope.

One has to wonder, if Bristol Palin wasn't using contraception, then why not? The contraception issue is quite contradictory among journalists. The Washington Post reports, "Except Sarah Palin opposes programs that teach teenagers anything about contraception. The explicit sex-ed programs will not find my support,' she said in answering a questionnaire from the conservative Eagle Forum during her 2006 gubernatorial race." But research shows that abstinence programs are failing our teens because it's nave to think that we can prevent teens from having sex, it just doesn't work.

In contradiction to this, TIME Magazine reports, "She is Christian and pro-life, but also a supporter of birth control: she's a member of Feminists For Life (FFL), an anti-abortion, pro-contraception organization. In 2002, she wrote a letter to FFL stating that she had adamantly supported [their] cause since [she] first understood, as a child, the atrocity of abortion.'"

Is Palin's daughter getting married for the sake of the child, and because she loves her partner? Or is it because Bristol feels pressured to "do the right thing" while standing in the center of America's glaring spotlight? Statistics indicate that teenage marriages have a tough time surviving, especially if they start off with an extra bundle of joy. Bristol will certainly have many obstacles to face as a young mother, even with the unconditional support and love that that her parents have promised her. I would hope that my own daughters would want to talk to me about their sexual relationships and contraception. What would I tell them to do? It would depend on many factors, such as the length of the relationships, economics and family support. As a psychologist, the one thing I know for sure is that there is no easy answer.

Diversity of Choice

Whether or not you are a Republican or Democrat, living on opposite sides of a red or blue line, if you are over fifty, you've got to be aligned on one issue. America has come a long way, baby, since our generation cast our first ballot. Whoever anticipated that the choice of Presidential contenders would come in almost as many flavors as Haagen Dazs ice cream?

With John McCain's candidacy, the Republicans have given us a home run opportunity to overcome ageism. John McCain is 72, which means that, should he win the presidency, in four years a 76 year-old man will lead our country. If he's reelected for a second term, in eight years we will be celebrating an octogenarian's birthday. In an era where 65 is still considered the age of impending senescence and a bench line for retirement, McCain stands as an example of hope and possibility for all those in their sixties and over whose companies consider them obsolete. For it's still the "young Turks" who tend to get hired instead of those with experience. The former are more often let out to pasture with minimal respect, opportunity or even the once requisite gold watch. Assuming he doesn't become ill or develop Alzheimer's, McCain's candidacy should help break ageism barriers and give age-mates like us a chance to show the world our years are to be honored and should not be taken in vain.

Who would've thought that McCain would choose Sarah Palin as his running mate? A 44 year-old mother of five, the governor of Alaska who started her career in the PTA, a woman who runs her home while still living in the limelight. The true definition of a working mom. She and her husband have always worked with their hands and are portrayed as working class people who have risen as the result of the American dream. She was just a child when the civil rights workers were being murdered in the name of integration. Forty four years later, Sarah Palin stands as a symbol of the wondrous change in America.

Then, we have Hillary. No, she didn't become our presidential candidate. But she did manage make "18 million cracks" in a glass ceiling that will continue to shatter. Hillary is 62 and her energy amazes me. Like her or not, she is a woman who has seasoned well with age. I remember hearing her speak 15 years ago, still hesitant and shrill. As with a great athlete, she has continued to train and practice and become a significantly better politician and speaker than she was in her youth. So, with Hillary we have both a female and an age-mate who exemplifies that aging can be gift to which we aspire.

And finally we have Barack. Forty years ago, I lived through the civil rights movement, marked by such incidents as Arkansas governor Orville Forbus (1955 to 1967) ordering the Arkansas National Guard to stop African American students from attending Little Rock Central High School, and the death of Michael Schwerner and others. At that time, none of us could have fathomed the emergence of a hybrid such as Obama who could have chosen to pass as white, but instead embraced his rich heritage and identified himself as an African American. In this capacity, he has given us the opportunity to vote for him as president of our country.

Though I care passionately about who wins, that is not my point. My awe is how much America has changed in the over 40 years that I've had the privilege to vote. I want my children and grandchildren to understand this sense of history. Our candidates reflect this phenomenal change. It is now possible for anyone, any age, any gender and any ethnic group to consider running for the highest office of this land. And if that is possible in the political stratosphere, just think what the rest of us are capable of. No matter one's ethnic background or age, the opportunity for advancement exists. We are developing what America set out to be: a land of opportunity, where hard work and ability matter, no matter what you look like or how old you may be, and can bring you to the brink of the presidency. What an Amazing country this is.

Have Suitcase, Will Travel or Maybe Not

Lately, I've been working hard and vacationing some. Still, I am aware that as with many of you, I need a better balanced daily life. I eat fairly well, exercise, faithfully (well pretty faithfully) attend my yoga and Pilates classes, have a great masseuse and sporadically meditate and work out with a trainer. So what's wrong with this picture?

When I was younger I had the opportunity to spend time in quiet spiritual retreats spanning a variety of eastern and western leanings. I have an insatiable travel gene and at times in my life I would have said "have suitcase packed, will travel." But, new needs are emerging. Is my priority to get on a plane to a distant land not yet visited or would a spa or even a retreat - perhaps a Zen retreat for 10 days of silence - be preferable? As I sage, these competing desires continue to call. Long ago I accepted that my own character was fairly intense. Perhaps it's genetic, environmental, familial, who knows? I've reached the s(t)age where I am less interested in explanations than living well within my own skin.

So, I invite you to journey with me as I sort out my variation of the same issues so many FiftyandFurthermores have. Yes, I loved my recent visit to Argentina and Buenos Aires, and there are so many places to see, but perhaps staying still watching the water from my own home might serve me better? Whatever path one takes at any given time is a prelude to next steps. Join me as I take mine, one slow step at a time.

Every Year is a Gift

My birthday was August 2nd. Usually I love birthdays and enjoy marking them for others, as well as myself. This one, though, seemed neither here nor there. 67 wasn't a biggie, on the way to 70, and how did I get here anyway? I didn't sleep well several nights prior to the big day. Dreams, thoughts and concerns wafted through my active unconscious, letting me know I was not at ease. Although I am excited by life-affirming possibilities, my very human worries surfaced. Did I need to revisit my will? Was my family OK? Would my own health checkups return good reports? Was I doing enough for others? Too much? Would the new book that I'm writing continue to flow? My husband needs a new car. Should I bug him to buy the hybrid that I thought wise for both us and for the environment? Or should I encourage him to purchase the gas guzzler that I knew he wanted? Who would win the election?

Large and small concerns ebbed and flowed into one another - all, I'm sure, part of an underlying scream that emerged as death's door opened just that much wider. The big day came and unexpected calls, emails, cards and yes, gifts arrived. Although still in my "this is not a big deal birthday mode," I appreciated acknowledgments, well wishes and the friendship and love that came my way. But, deep down, I wasn't my usual celebratory self. Until

My husband and I went out for the quiet dinner we had planned. We happen to have a wine locker at several restaurants including The Capital Grill in Jacksonville. Last week they called and invited us to have dinner there on my birthday. That's not uncommon for a restaurant to do when one is a frequent patron. I thought nothing of it. NOTHING! It seemed as good as anything we might do except maybe staying home relaxing on our porch and enjoying the view.

Then they didn't have our usual promised table. I shrugged. So what? And as I was gently guided into a lovely special room, brain dead and totally without a clue, Happy Birthday wishes engulfed me sung by many of my Florida friends. I, who am rarely speechless, was. Tears came. This was the first surprise party of my life. I looked questioningly at my husband still implying "but this particular birthday is no big deal." Lovingly he looked at me. "Hon, henceforth, every day is a celebration. Every day we look in the mirror and see ourselves is special and every year is a gift."

Amen.

Pets Can Save Lives for FiftyAndFurthermores

Yesterday, Marjorie, who is 68 and one of my assistants, came to work sharing a remarkable story. She lives in the country surrounded by land and fresh air. However, she is also isolated from close neighbors. Three years ago she had taken in a stray cat. She named him Morris and they were good companions. Marjorie lives alone near her children and grandchildren and likes where she lives. She is a healthy, active and savvy lady who knows how to take care of herself. Half asleep she noticed that Morris seemed restless. Thinking nothing of it, she turned over to go to sleep. Morris jumped on her bed. Surprised and sensing something amiss she got up. Everything seemed normal and quiet. Back to bed she went. Again, Morris seemed unsettled. Again she got up. She heard nothing but looked out the window anyway and thought she saw a shadow moving, but again thought nothing of it. Morris paced again. Suddenly she heard a window crash. Someone was trying to break in. She screamed, called her daughter who lives nearby and dialed the police. The intruder ran and Marjorie, except for shaking from a bad scare and an extra dose of vulnerability was fine. The would-be intruder wasn't caught and she came to work having escaped a close call. Morris had saved her.

Now, we are all relatively familiar with the fact that dogs are known to protect their loved owners. But cats are generally considered to be less protective. Evidently cats too have territorial instincts. At least Morris does. We talked about the current literature that confirms that pets help keep older people alive. They offer companionship and structure as their needs must be met. Larger dogs also require walking which helps provide exercise to their owners. But a cat that saves lives, that is a bit unusual. I found myself wondering if I should make stronger recommendations to my FiftyAndFurthermore clients who live alone to become pet owners.

As my now grown children have left home, so have our pets, all passing from old age. My kids have wanted me to have new ones. My grown children worry about me and are well-aware of the benefits of pets for seniors. Because I travel as much as I do, I have chosen to remain animal-free. But perhaps this is not the best decision after all?

As our society becomes more isolated, pets have gained prominence. I do miss our last two residents dearly (Mr. Lucy, our final cat, and Bibi, our dog). But perhaps it's more than simply companionship and I'm in a bit of denial? What if it's more important to realize that having a smart four legged companion really could save my life?

The John Edwards Affair - A Couples Issue

Extra marital affairs in American society are far more common than any of us like to admit. Some surveys have found that as many as 40% of married women and 60% of married men engage in extramarital affairs. The fact that John Edwards had an affair is not of particular interest to me. As a psychologist, I live in a world of secrets. And yes, even people's outright lies. Lack of authenticity is often fodder for an individual's pain. Helping couples mend or dissolve damaged marriages is much of what I do on a daily basis. Thus, for me, the most cogent issue is not what the affair says about this public man, but what it says about this public couple. The Edwards jointly chose to have John run for America's highest office. In this day and age of political paparazzi, the fact that neither of them considered that information about their relationship and their affair would become public knowledge well, that's representative of the couple's dynamics.

The Edwards have endured a very public ordeal surrounding the death of their son and Elizabeth's battle with incurable cancer. I believe that, in many ways, their 31-year marriage is based on old fashioned Southern values. These marriages are stereotypically filled with denial and the ability to look the other way when confronted with unwelcome facts. Often these marriages also take pride in having super human strength in the face of adversity. Living with no matter what can be an attempt to gain admiration. It can also be a defense against standing still and experiencing pain on a deeper level. In this case, given their endless public pursuit of "carrying on," I am left wondering if their marriage might be primarily reflect the latter.

I neither condone nor condemn the affair. However, I do make a strong argument for couples and families in trouble seeking therapy. I am not privy to whether or not the Edwards ever sought professional help. However, in my view, it would be wise for any family who has been through the death of a child to seek counseling. I also believe that the structure of almost all long term marriages is subject to change and, at various points, marriages need to be renegotiated. Clearly, as loving a couple as the Edwards may be, they are both responsible and have colluded, not necessarily in the affair, but in their willingness to jointly open their lives to the public scrutiny while at the same time knowingly acting in ways that undermine their credibility.

I honor Elizabeth Edwards' request that helicopters stop flying over their home. However, one cannot intentionally seek public office without anticipating that dirty linen will emerge. From a psychologist's perspective, I wonder if their mutual pain was so deep that the only way they could confront it was to risk a public viewing. By subconsciously inviting the public into their most private life, they must confront dark corners in their own lives as well as in their marriage, although one has to wonder what would possess a couple to do so in the harsh glare of the public eye?

I believe that in order to have an intimate, growing marriage, most couples have to confront unwanted issues at some point in their relationship. In that way the Edwards are no exception only their issues are more obvious than many.