Parents, Kids, Politics

Parent child conflict during this political season, can be especially heightened when parents and children are close. Of course, it depends at which developmental stage the child may be. Is the offspring a young adult and a first or second-time voter? Or is he or she older and has already established his/her own lifestyle?

Younger adultchildren, 18-25 or so, may be trying to rebel in acceptable terms and define their own identity. One way of doing this is to reject parental values. Moms and dads who are close to their kids often see themselves through their children's values. Thus, if a younger child votes differently than their parent, the parent may feel rejected. Or mom or dad may feel they have not instilled a good moral, ethical or political value system in their child. The results are that the parent or parents will consciously or unconsciously feel inadequate. If that is the case and they in fact do feel inadequate or as if they have failed as a parent, the parent may try to control their adult child or lash out. This takes the form of a political argument. Conversely, the new voter may be "flexing their muscle" and trying to prove how smart they are and how little their parent knows. This dynamic easily ignites into fire and friction.

If the child is older, possibly married, and has already established a life of their own, theoretically, they have established their own values with their partner. Thus, the child's primary family and commitment is no longer their family of origin, including their parent. The child's allegiances have shifted. As a result, parents may have a hard time "letting go" and again they may feel rejected, dropped and cast aside. Hurt and angry feelings ensue.

Interestingly, one of my own daughters rejected my more liberal values, and although I voted democratic in the last election, she voted republican. As a business school graduate, she was determined to prove to me that I didn't understand business. I chose not to argue with her and to respect her process. I wasn't sure if she totally believed her own arguments, or if she was individuating and trying to stand on her own two feet. I also thought she was rebelling and let her do so.

This year she is voting the same way I am, though her stated reasons are different. So, often it is a developmental process that gets enacted through the political arena. All politics are a reflection of personal and family dynamics. Voter decisions are multi-dimensional and are rarely solely issue-based.

It stands to reason that parents who are closely intertwined with their adult kids can and will battle over political persuasions. When viewed as an interpersonal dynamic,it is easy to see how the political content becomes a vehicle for deeper emotions and changing family ties. Unfortunately, mending these rifts can be a long- term process.

This particular electionhas probably brought out more passion than any since JFK. Younger individuals tend to see the issues differently than those who have lived longer. Therefore, families have eitherforged greater solidarity or stronger bonds, or their differences have sowed deep rifts. This is certainly true between parents and kids.

A Political Marriage? Why McCain Chose Palin

*This is part one of a series of blogs on candidates, politics and the role of sex. I invite my FiftyandFurthermore counterparts to react, respond, and offer their own food for thought.

In preparation for tonight's debate, I found myself contemplating some political issues from a psychological view point. Those that I offer are not the only explanations, but they have enough truth to be thought about. Many have asked me why McCain picked Palin as his running mate. I suggest that we look beyond the usual reasons proffered: she's a maverick, she's a woman, she can connect with a specific segment of the American population, etc. I believe McCains choice of Sarah was highly influenced by an unconscious reason that is not unusual for a man in his position.

McCain is getting older. He arrived at 72 as a self-defined maverick. At 71 he said, "I am too old to be called The Comeback Kid. But Come Back I have." This was one of his first overt self reflections about his age.

Check your mythology, check movies, check your neighbor, and possibly even check out yourself. It is common for an older man, often ill or afraid, to wed (and this is a political marriage) a woman years younger than himself. At this point in his life he has gained wisdom and years of experience and at the same time is in need of a dash of youthful (sexual) life force. Sarah Palin brings sexuality, sensuality and energy to the Republican presidential pairing. She arrived on the scene much as a rock star might: big splash, full of energy and with enough noise and music in the background that she really doesn't need to sustain her drum rolls for more than a few months. If she can sustain this image, and I see no reason that she can't, we never have to get to know her until she possibly becomes our next Vice President, or if McCain isn't well, President.

McCain himself is not attacking, but neither is he holding his vice president in check. She is the younger women to an older man's fantasy wish. John McCain has a history of instantly falling in love. Was his choice of Palin really so different than the way he chose his second wife? Yes, on the surface it seems so. But I invite you to dig deeper. I'm curious if those who support Sarah Palin ever wonder why they may be voting for an "Energizer Bunny" sex symbol about whom so little is known.

Next: The Sexuality of Barrack and Michelle Obama

Yom Kippur and the Concept of Forgiveness

I have found something especially meaningful in every religion I've encountered. Forgiveness may be my favorite concept from the Jewish religion. Yom Kippur, this year taking place on October 9, 2008, is this religion's most holy day. It's the Day of Atonement and forgiveness. During this time, the participant is required to regret their sin, resolve never to do it again and ask the person they have sinned against for forgiveness. On Yom Kippur, you must confess the sin and also ask Hashem for forgiveness. (In conversation, many Jewish people will call God "Hashem," which is Hebrew for "the Name.")

However, the ancient Rabbis understood that human nature is sometimes stubborn and does not always easily forgive. It is therefore customary to ask people before Yom Kippur to forgive you for anything you may have done to hurt them. If you make an honest attempt to ask the person for forgiveness, and he refuses to forgive you, you must try at least two more times. You have to wait a few days in-between requests, and they must be in three different places, in hopes that the person will cool off and change his mind. If he still refuses to forgive you, you have at least done your part.

I share with you a truly moving story of forgiveness.

October 1, 2008

Yom Kippur 5769: The Art of Forgiveness

By Jane Ulman

On the 50th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz, in 1995, Eva Kor, then 61 and a real estate broker in Terre Haute, Ind., stood outside a gas chamber at the infamous camp and offered her forgiveness out loud to the late Dr. Josef Mengele for the inhumane medical experiments he had performed on her and her twin sister.

She forgave every other Nazi, as well.

"I, Eva Mozes Kor, a twin who survived as a child of Josef Mengele's experiments at Auschwitz 50 years ago, hereby give amnesty to all Nazis who participated directly or indirectly in the murder of my family and millions of others," she said that day, reading from a prepared statement. Even in our culture of apology, where "I forgive you" flows freely and often speedily from the mouths of perpetrators and politicians, parents and children, spouses and complete strangers, Kor's apology stands out.

"I call forgiveness the modern miracle medicine," she said.

Saging with Too Much Zest?

A few Friday's ago, as I was looking forward to and busily planning a weekend trip, I wound up in the George Washington University Emergency Room instead. The fact that it's a Trauma 1 center and that staff couldn't be nicer did little to ease my concerns. My doctor had already called in, so to my surprise and delight, I did not have the hours of long wait that Steph, my Executive Assistant, had prepared me for. My books went unread and there was no need for my carefully packed food.

Why did I end up in the emergency room on my Friday night, you may ask? I had had some internal lower back pain off and on for months. It wasn't muscular, and I believed it was either kidney or uterus-related. An ultrasound showed a small cyst on my right ovary, which if not malignant is concerning, but not a big deal. Still, as I was being checked by various specialists of Western and Eastern orientation, the pain continued to get worse. My doctor, telling me I'm not a complainer, urged me to go to the emergency room and get a CAT scan.

Steph sat with me until my husband flew in from hurricane territory in Florida. He managed to get on one of the few planes out of Jacksonville and arrive at my bedside looking as if could use a hospital bed for sleep. After going through the procedure, thoroughly body-scanned and diagnosed, I left that evening.

The good news is that nothing significant was discovered. The bad news is that no one knows what causes my pain. But, red-faced, I now have an idea. I've increased my exercise routine significantly these last few months, especially adding more Pilates workouts. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with this wonderful concept, Pilates focuses on core strength and requires much "C" shaped back rolling alternated by long stretching. I wonder if even though I am not aware of pain as a result of the classes, my lower back could be getting the kind of deep muscular workout that has caused it to hurt? I will ask my teacher and also request that I am watched very carefully. Hopefully, the answer can be that simple to find.

Either way, this experience is a reminder of how quickly life can change. One missed step or an errant gene, one car wreck or illness, can alter your life instantly. With humility, I once again am reminded of how tenuous life is.

Is Eighty the New Fifty?

Time Magazine makes a good argument that this is the case, at least in the business world. However, I prefer the more honest saying, "80 is the new 80." Anyone not yet there has some wonderful role models to emulate. Certainly when one looks at the accomplishments of today's businessmen, scientists and even enduring rock stars, the retirement age of 65 seems an outmoded and an inappropriate holdover from former times when life stopped sooner. Those who want to retire at 65 and need government help to do so should have it. But for those who want to keep on going, let's start thinking out of the box and not let discriminatory ageism stand in their way.There's Warren Buffett, strumming his ukulele, hosting his Woodstock for capitalists. There's the rich and irascible oil man, T Boone Pickens, trying to save the world with his own TV ads and organization. (And he's not even running for office!) There's Bruce Springsteen whose energy still makes my blood pump. Not to mention Neil Diamond, 67, Mick Jagger, 64, and Tina Turner, 68, who are still filling arenas. And 82 year-old Tony Bennet who has come back from retirement stronger than ever.
So, dear FiftyAndFurthermores, think about what you want as you sage. As many Silver Celebrities and everyday folk have shown, the future can be what you make it, at fifty OR at eighty.

It's Botox for You, Dear Bridesmaids

Beautiful weddings have always been a young woman's dream, but this seasoned soul has a different view. This summer I read a NY Times article entitled It's Botox for You, Dear Bridesmaids, regarding the trend of brides paying for their attendants to cosmetically alter their looks.I know I am of the Botox Generation, and I'm not opposed to using it, nor are many of my friends. However, I have a different slant about the new youthful craze where the bride gives Botox party treatments as her wedding gifts to her bridesmaids. It really makes me wonder about the essential values of my age-mates. Sure, you want to give something memorable to those who matter enough to you to share that special moment. And of course, beauty sells. So I can understand the allure. But for me at my age, I would hope my friends would feel wonderful enough about themselves without my "needling" them. I will take my friends any way they choose. If they want face lifts, Botox, restyling and whatever else makes them happy, that's OK with me. But should I ever get re-wed (perish the thought) at this age, I love who is in my life and how they look. They've worked hard to be how and where they are.I might give them a rest and relaxation trip or a night at the theater or just a night hanging out together with wine and champagne, reliving, crying and laughing down memory lane. But I'll happily leave the Botox to the "babes" and take my friends "au natural."

Senior Citizens Bureau and Hurricane Ike

FiftyAndFurthermore.com received a plea for help this weekend from the Senior Citizens Bureau in response to the devastating Hurricane Ike that ravaged the Gulf Coast. Hurricane Ike landed in Texas on Saturday morning and wreaked havoc across 9 states, killing 17 people and destroying many communities along its path. As rescuers, emergency response teams, and volunteers fly into the storm torn regions to offer aid, the death count is likely to continue to climb. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hurricane_Ike
The SCB is a national, Houston-based, non-profit organization that provides services and community resources for the elderly, children of the elderly, and other caregivers, advocates and professionals. SCB currently serves over 400,000 members with information and support through http://www.seniorcitizensbureau.com/ and Elder Info Line (1.877.ELDER.55/1.877.353.3755), a 24-hour hotline for SCBmembers and those with vision limitations. (SCB) (http://www.seniorcitizensbureau.com). SCB's mission is to provide easily accessible information, guidance, and dispute resolution to the senior community and industry, and to bridge the gap between the elderly client and the service provider.
FiftyAndFurthermore will do all that we can to help those impacted by Hurricane Ike and asks our readers, visitors, writers and community to do the same.
How?Contribute:FundsFood HousingClothingGlassesHearing AidsMedicationLetters and HugsJoin a rescue team Household goods
Some specific issues that are facing the FiftyAndFurthermores in the aftermath of Hurricane Ike:
Keeping the community intact after the devastation and loss of lifeStarting over againFamily disruptionEconomic lossLoss of history, family photos, etc. Medical needsLoss of property and pets
Those of us over the age of fifty are in a unique position to offer wisdom, education and hugs. For those of us who can, donate funds to the victims who will need aid in the aftermath of Ike's destruction. FiftyAndFurthermore will keep you updated as to what you can do.
One thing not to do, is to rush to the hurricane scene unless you have specific training and/or are with a select aid group such as SCB, the Red Cross, or the American Group Psychotherapy Association's Trauma Division. Organizations such as these have resources that help match your skill set and ability with the jobs that are needed (on site, or off site). It's important to help, but it's also crucial to volunteer and make a difference in the capacity where you can do the most good. Warning: helpers with good hearts but without a plan or sustaining community often wind up as "collateral damage" instead of healers.
My thoughts are with all of you during this difficult time on the Gulf Coast.
Dr. Dorree Lynn